Open letter to my terrified spouse

Dear Hubs:

First, I mean "dear" in a totally unsinister way. Really.

I know you do not understand why an approaching period would make someone so cranky. Why, you wonder, must this be such an ordeal every month?

I'm not even going to attempt to explain hormones and their effects. Instead, here are some pointers to help ensure your survival during this time:

1.) Do not attribute my bad mood to PMS. I know I'm in a bad mood. Even when I'm ranting at you for daring to exist, I'm thinking: Wow, I have reached a new, all-time high in irrationality. By pointing out the obvious, you will put me in a worse (read: scary) mood.

2.) Instead of inquiring when my period is due, the implication being that I am acting like an irrational beeyotch, you would be better off volunteering to feed and bathe the children while I brood over how certain people (you) have wronged me in recent days.

3.) Definition of "wronging" me:
a.) Breathing in my direction
b.) Looking at me
c.) Making any references, joking or otherwise, to S-E-X

4.) Speaking of, do NOT ask how many more days "we" have to go because you are wondering when marital relations will resume. I am already bitter about my six-day period. I do NOT need you to remind me of just how freaking long it is.

5.) Do not EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN eat the last chocolate chip cookie.

6.) What part of SUPER ABSORBENT do you not understand? When I specify SUPER ABSORBENT, I am, indeed, requesting that you purchase industrial-strength tampons. Do not take it upon yourself to decide I might like to "try something new."

7.) MOST IMPORTANT RULE: When in doubt about what constitutes appropriate behavior (from you), simply nod and say, "You're right. I understand."

8.) Remember our friend Cindy's theory about PMS: Sufferers are not experiencing irrationality, but rather, moments of sudden clarity.

I'll sign off now so that you can process that last part.

Ever So Lovingly and With Only Good Will Toward Man,

Your Wife