CATHY: Do you have to drive so close to people? You're riding that poor woman's ass.
HUBS: There's plenty of room between us.
CATHY: No there's not. If I lean forward two inches, I can see the driver's footwear. Prada. Very nice. Like the red.
HUBS: I am not riding her ass.
CATHY: No, because now you are all the way up her butt. Look, the shade of her toenails matches the shoes. Admirable color-coordination. SLOW DOWN! You are making me nervous.
HUBS: (sighs, shakes his head, keeps following too closely.)
CATHY: Look, you hate it when other people get too close to you. So why do it to them?
HUBS: There's plenty of ---
CATHY: (shrieking) She's stopping! She's stopping! Slow down!
HUBS: I am slowing down.
CATHY: You are not. That wasn't slowing down. That was slamming on the brakes because there wasn't enough space between you.
[Sunday-afternoon drive continues, with Cathy chastising and panicking, and Hubs becoming increasingly defenseless.]
CATHY: Look, would you slow down? Just because you're pissed at the other drivers doesn't mean you have to fly around them.
HUBS: Everything is fine. Let me drive. You're starting to really annoy me.
CATHY: I just want you to slow down and give people a little breathing room.
HUBS: I know what I'm doing.
As he approaches a four-way stop sign, a cop coming from another direction motions for Hubs to roll down his window.
COP: Sir, you are going too fast. Slow it down.
HUBS: Uh. OK.
CATHY: (to herself: Do not say anything. Hold back the gleeful laughter.)
HUBS: Why won't people just let me drive. Why does everyone have to tell me what to do?
CATHY: I can't imagine, honey.
To the police officer who reprimanded my husband today in the mall parking lot: I love you.
14 comments:
Cathy - I know I keep saying this, but I tell you - my husband and yours are one and the same!
Heidi
You are one of my favorite funny and pithy blog pals! xoxoxoxox
This sounds like something I might have said to my own husband, word for word...
Ha!!!
I can SO relate.
The difference being I tend to begin referring to him as a Deranged Lunatic.
I also have loads of fodder for accidents we've had when he was driving...that's right, plural. Two totaled cars, one broken neck (mine), and one injured baby (Patience).
He begins to protest and I simply say, "Tell it to the bone chips floating in my spine."
Because I am a mega bitch that way who will play dirty to force him to drive more safely.
Julie
Using My Words
Sometimes dontch just LOVE being right?
OMG. We are married to the same man.
PS. Have a little "gift" for you today! :)
OMG...Husband and I argue about driving all the time. He is a TERRIBLE driver and he gets really annoyed when I critique his driving.
Once, when the boys were small, we had a near miss because of his recklessness and I forbade him to drive with any of us in the car for about a year. He was really embarassed about that and mended his ways quite a bit.
But he still harangues me about not going fast enough, or not taking a chance to get out in traffic. I tell him he does NOT get to criticize me for driving too safely.
I always tell him that I know how he will die. In a car accident. No doubt.
I just made my husband read this, because we have the EXACT discussion every drive. Unfortunately, no sympathetic (to me) police officers... yet.
While I agree that drinking and driving is a bad thing, this here is exactly why drinking and RIDING should be legal. At least for wives.
Heehee - love it. Being right, that is. Nice!
I love it. You couldn't have asked for better timing!
Girrrl, I can so relate. My hubs got a hard lesson about tailgating when he rear ended another car. Sure did smash up the car we were renting...don't tell him I told you. He wouldn't let me blog it.
ha
Ha
HA!
I'm enjoying a niiiiice deeep laugh now.
Dawn
who has been known to close her eyes and recline the seat so that she'll be nice and relaxed when hubs crashes the car.
Hahaha! VERY funny!
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