Random thoughts of a PMSing woman

As many times as I've snapped at him tonight, how can he still think he's getting the bow-chicka-bow-wow treatment later? That portion of the male anatomy must zap millions of brain cells every time it goes on high alert.

Has my son always possessed such a piercing scream?

Why did Hubs think it was a good idea to let our daughter watch some History Channel dinosaur program in which a newly hatched baby dino is consumed by giant ants? And why is he surprised that she is now afraid to go sleep because she might dream about carnivorous insects?

Dear God: If Hubs' ex-wife is ever again going to ask us to help buy a car for my unemployed stepson, please let her call tonight. And please let me be the one to answer the phone.

P.S. If the firemen ever have to come back to our house, please let my bedroom be clean. Oh, and if I could be wearing something cute (like clothes) as opposed to my raggedy flannel PJs, that would be mighty nice too.

Do nipples get bigger in proportion to boob sag? Because something's gone wildly awry here? All I know is none of the parts are where I last saw 'em.

Open letter to my terrified spouse

Dear Hubs:

First, I mean "dear" in a totally unsinister way. Really.

I know you do not understand why an approaching period would make someone so cranky. Why, you wonder, must this be such an ordeal every month?

I'm not even going to attempt to explain hormones and their effects. Instead, here are some pointers to help ensure your survival during this time:

1.) Do not attribute my bad mood to PMS. I know I'm in a bad mood. Even when I'm ranting at you for daring to exist, I'm thinking: Wow, I have reached a new, all-time high in irrationality. By pointing out the obvious, you will put me in a worse (read: scary) mood.

2.) Instead of inquiring when my period is due, the implication being that I am acting like an irrational beeyotch, you would be better off volunteering to feed and bathe the children while I brood over how certain people (you) have wronged me in recent days.

3.) Definition of "wronging" me:
a.) Breathing in my direction
b.) Looking at me
c.) Making any references, joking or otherwise, to S-E-X

4.) Speaking of, do NOT ask how many more days "we" have to go because you are wondering when marital relations will resume. I am already bitter about my six-day period. I do NOT need you to remind me of just how freaking long it is.

5.) Do not EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN eat the last chocolate chip cookie.

6.) What part of SUPER ABSORBENT do you not understand? When I specify SUPER ABSORBENT, I am, indeed, requesting that you purchase industrial-strength tampons. Do not take it upon yourself to decide I might like to "try something new."

7.) MOST IMPORTANT RULE: When in doubt about what constitutes appropriate behavior (from you), simply nod and say, "You're right. I understand."

8.) Remember our friend Cindy's theory about PMS: Sufferers are not experiencing irrationality, but rather, moments of sudden clarity.

I'll sign off now so that you can process that last part.

Ever So Lovingly and With Only Good Will Toward Man,

Your Wife

Loving conversation between husband and premenstrual wife: Part II

Scene: Hubs and cranky wife are reclining in the living room, he on the love seat, she on the couch. Cranky wife glances over at Hubs.

Wife [in an annoyed tone]: Are you asleep?

Hubs: No. I'm just trying to avoid making eye contact. It's safer that way.

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And now ... for you, dear readers, so that you will better understand the ebb and flow of varying temperaments in this house:

I posted this photo last Christmas. It pretty much sums us up.



To the left: Grouchy anti-morning people, one of whom clearly hasn't had her coffee

To the right: Perky, early-rising people (note the bright eyes and ability to smile)

For full effect, click and enlarge. Note the slitted eyes on the left, the playful grins on the right?

You can see how PMS would only ... enhance ... these ... differences...

Loving conversation between husband and premenstrual wife:

Scene: Husband walks into bedroom as grumpy wife is getting ready for bed.

Wife: Are you smiling? Why are you smiling?

Husband: I'm breathing. (dramatic pause) Is that OK?