Shelly over at This Eclectic Life is discussing a topic that I just can't resist:
What tasks should all people, regardless of gender, be able to do?
Can I, the woman who is marred to a man who cooks, irons, cleans toilets and builds beautiful things out of scraps of wood complain?
Nope.
Not about him. But ... *snicker* I can go back into Ex Territory and pull forth the most perfect example evah of What Happens to Those Who Can't Do.
To save him embarrassment -- and to keep from rendering him Forever Single and Totally Unmarketable -- I will call him Al.
And now let's zip back to 1997, when I hooked up with a co-worker after a night of dancing at the the Copa.
That would be Al.
For several weeks, we went out to dinner, movies, drinks after work ... and then back to my place.
The first red flag to pop up and wave merrily was his refusal to invite me over to his apartment. It was too messy, he told me.
My girlfriends entertained themselves by speculating over the reasons why he wouldn't let me come over.
"He lives with someone," one theorized. "Married," said another.
I would soon learn, however, that NO woman, except me, of course, would have ever moved in with this man.
Months passed.
One weekend, I went out of town, so Al stayed at my place to take care of my dog. He never went home.
Eventually, we decided to rent a house together. And only then did I finally see his apartment. Flag No. 2? That would have been the little note taped to his door threatening eviction if he didn't clean the place up.
So of course I still moved in with him.
Oh, 27-year-old Cathy, what an idiot you were.
Once we settled into the house, I learned the true extent of Al's helplessness. He couldn't hook up the washer and dryer. (I did it.) He'd never vacuumed. (I did it, while he laid on the couch, cracked jokes and lifted his feet as I roared by.) Nor did he know how to iron. (In this case, I let him walk around looking like he'd foraged through the clothes hamper.)
Which is why, when we broke up -- twice -- he looked far more pitiable than me, what with the rumpled clothes and the annoying way in which he lost weight while I packed it on.
When I kicked him out the first time, we had lived together for a year.
And when we reunited, I swore to him that we would maintain separate households and that I would never spend the night with him until he purchased bathmats and hand towels. He owned neither. Oh, and he had to learn to vacuum.
When I asked Al how he could stand to live that way, he always said, with a touch of pride, "My mother always did everything for me."
Red flag No. 3, anyone? Quick, hand your little boy-child a dust cloth!
Shortly before the second breakup, Al's very proper English mother came to town for a visit.
Al's mother lived in Houston. In her free time, she traveled around Europe, attending various operas. When she came to visit Al in Arkansas, she always stayed at the finest hotels and ate at only the best restaurants. She never felt compelled to check out her son's abode.
Then, during one visit, Al's mother unexpectedly decided she would like to see where her son lived.
We had just finished lunch at a restaurant when she announced her intentions.
Al's face paled. I choked back giggles.
Oh. My. God. This ought to be good.
Gleeful, I practically skipped from the restaurant to my car. Then I followed Al & Mom as they headed to Al's house. I laughed all the way there.
I knew, you see, what awaited her: hardwood floors with a layer of leaves and dirt tracked in by Al's two dogs. Big puffballs of fur and even a few twigs. Yes, TWIGS.
And mind you, the scene I was envisioning didn't even include the revolting kitchen, the scary bathrooms or the hairy couches.
I hurried, wanting to be there when she walked into that house for the first time.
HA! See what you raised? See what I had to live with for a freaking year? See why I will never share space with this man again?
It was the most priceless moment of the entire relationship -- watching Al's prim and proper mother as she walked gingerly across the living room floor, mouth pinched and nostrils flaring.
I cackled to myself and then headed home. A few hours later, Al called. His mother had bought him a vacuum cleaner, he told me sheepishly.
And in the background, I could hear a dull roar.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Loving conversation between husband and premenstrual wife:
Scene: Husband walks into bedroom as grumpy wife is getting ready for bed.
Wife: Are you smiling? Why are you smiling?
Husband: I'm breathing. (dramatic pause) Is that OK?
Wife: Are you smiling? Why are you smiling?
Husband: I'm breathing. (dramatic pause) Is that OK?
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Does your spouse read your blog? Mine refuses.
Hubs has never yet pulled up my blog. On occasion, I've read my posts aloud to him, or passed the computer over and ordered him to look at something.
That's not to say he discourages my blogging. In fact, he frequently asks whether I'm posting often enough and inquires daily about my stats. Of course, that could be because I filled his head with ridiculous notions of fame and riches. Meaning I may have dropped a few names, like this one, and engaged him in fantasy scenarios in which I made a fortune selling refrigerator magnets featuring our dog.
(OK, so she can't balance anything on that cute little snout. But she is a champion pillow humper.)
So Hubs is all for the blog. As long as he doesn't have to read it.
"I'm scared," he explains, while whipping up some migas. "I always assume I'm going to find something and go --"
He pauses, spatula in mid-air. Then gives an exaggerated shudder, complete with google eyes.
OK, so there was this essay, which basically revealed that he wasn't getting any. And he did hear from several amused co-workers.
I explained that women are very blunt, that we've been known to sketch carnal acts on cocktail napkins during happy hour with our girlfriends. You know, to explain how you got the rug burns?
Anyway...
Hubs has decided ignorance is blissful. Although I think he'd exploit the dog in a heartbeat (maybe doggie porn, given the predilection for humping?) if he thought doing so would bring in the riches.
So -- do your significant others read what you write? Just want to know if I'm the only one with a nervous husband.
That's not to say he discourages my blogging. In fact, he frequently asks whether I'm posting often enough and inquires daily about my stats. Of course, that could be because I filled his head with ridiculous notions of fame and riches. Meaning I may have dropped a few names, like this one, and engaged him in fantasy scenarios in which I made a fortune selling refrigerator magnets featuring our dog.
(OK, so she can't balance anything on that cute little snout. But she is a champion pillow humper.)
So Hubs is all for the blog. As long as he doesn't have to read it.
"I'm scared," he explains, while whipping up some migas. "I always assume I'm going to find something and go --"
He pauses, spatula in mid-air. Then gives an exaggerated shudder, complete with google eyes.
OK, so there was this essay, which basically revealed that he wasn't getting any. And he did hear from several amused co-workers.
I explained that women are very blunt, that we've been known to sketch carnal acts on cocktail napkins during happy hour with our girlfriends. You know, to explain how you got the rug burns?
Anyway...
Hubs has decided ignorance is blissful. Although I think he'd exploit the dog in a heartbeat (maybe doggie porn, given the predilection for humping?) if he thought doing so would bring in the riches.
So -- do your significant others read what you write? Just want to know if I'm the only one with a nervous husband.
Monday, July 23, 2007
C'mon baby, light my fire
Each morning, when Hubs drives the E-man to daycare, he goes past a fire station. And each morning, the E-man dons a plastic fire hat and rolls down the window so he can better gawk at those big shiny trucks.
Of course, I, too, have been known to roll down my window while passing the station, but only when the firefighters are out washing said trucks.
Shirtless.
ahem
A few months ago, when the kids and I arrived at the grocery store, the E-man was delighted by the presence of two fire trucks parked near the store's entrance. His mommy also was delighted.
By the presence of several attractive firemen.
Since I have no problem parlaying my children's obsessions into useful tactics for my own ... well ... obsessions ... we stopped by the trucks on the way out.
"Here," I said, shoving some money into Tootie's hand. "Go put that in the fireman's boot."
E-man, meanwhile, stood in front of one of the trucks, slack-jawed. I, too, was rendered awestruck — not by the trucks, but by the masculine forearms attached to the man holding the boot.
"Would you like to see the truck?" asked the Bearer of Masculine Forearms, addressing my little boy. He reached for the E-man's hand and led him toward the truck.
All together now — awwww....
I watched, misty-eyed, as the pair walked off. And repeated silently to myself, Do not stare at the fireman's ass ... do not stare at the fireman's ass...
My friend Amy has a similar reaction to firemen. So it was with great pride and joy that, when she got stuck in the elevator here at work, I summoned the fire department.
(This was after some serious finagling with the editor on duty, who contended that we were supposed to call the elevator serviceman — a sweet, stooped man of about 90 years — in times of emergency.)
But I persevered and I won. After calling 911, I dialed Amy's cell phone.
"Guess what?!" I shrieked. "I ordered some firefighters for you! You can thank me later."
And indeed, it was a dreamlike moment when the firemen pried open the doors and extended a hand to help Amy emerge. The moment was, unfortunately, somewhat ruined by the presence of an overly zealous newsroom photographer who decided to document the rescue and insisted on blocking everyone's (my) view. Still...
In a few weeks, the E-man will be moving to a new daycare. The fire station will no longer be part of his morning route. He will, I'm sure, mourn the daily sightings, as will I, particularly on truck-washing day.
The E-man will hopefully, however, be consoled by his new toy fire truck, provided by his granddaddy. And I will be consoled by the thought that no fireman, here or elsewhere, clothed or shirtless, could possibly be any cuter than this guy.
Of course, I, too, have been known to roll down my window while passing the station, but only when the firefighters are out washing said trucks.
Shirtless.
ahem
A few months ago, when the kids and I arrived at the grocery store, the E-man was delighted by the presence of two fire trucks parked near the store's entrance. His mommy also was delighted.
By the presence of several attractive firemen.
Since I have no problem parlaying my children's obsessions into useful tactics for my own ... well ... obsessions ... we stopped by the trucks on the way out.
"Here," I said, shoving some money into Tootie's hand. "Go put that in the fireman's boot."
E-man, meanwhile, stood in front of one of the trucks, slack-jawed. I, too, was rendered awestruck — not by the trucks, but by the masculine forearms attached to the man holding the boot.
"Would you like to see the truck?" asked the Bearer of Masculine Forearms, addressing my little boy. He reached for the E-man's hand and led him toward the truck.
All together now — awwww....
I watched, misty-eyed, as the pair walked off. And repeated silently to myself, Do not stare at the fireman's ass ... do not stare at the fireman's ass...
My friend Amy has a similar reaction to firemen. So it was with great pride and joy that, when she got stuck in the elevator here at work, I summoned the fire department.
(This was after some serious finagling with the editor on duty, who contended that we were supposed to call the elevator serviceman — a sweet, stooped man of about 90 years — in times of emergency.)
But I persevered and I won. After calling 911, I dialed Amy's cell phone.
"Guess what?!" I shrieked. "I ordered some firefighters for you! You can thank me later."
And indeed, it was a dreamlike moment when the firemen pried open the doors and extended a hand to help Amy emerge. The moment was, unfortunately, somewhat ruined by the presence of an overly zealous newsroom photographer who decided to document the rescue and insisted on blocking everyone's (my) view. Still...
In a few weeks, the E-man will be moving to a new daycare. The fire station will no longer be part of his morning route. He will, I'm sure, mourn the daily sightings, as will I, particularly on truck-washing day.
The E-man will hopefully, however, be consoled by his new toy fire truck, provided by his granddaddy. And I will be consoled by the thought that no fireman, here or elsewhere, clothed or shirtless, could possibly be any cuter than this guy.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Oh, the pampering!
I'm home again, after a week away from the wee people.
I missed them like crazy, of course, but was reminded, at the same time, of how Birth 2 differed from Birth 1 -- in that the second time, I knew better than to look forward to my release from the hospital. With Child No. 2, in fact, I asked to stay an extra day. Mama did NOT raise no fool.
To any new moms considering or expecting a second child: Beg for that extra day at the hospital. Grovel, if you must. Because we're talking about 24-hour room service and your last opportunity to sleep. And yeah, yeah, yeah, you kept that first baby in the room with you constantly, insisting that the nurses bring him/her back each time they left with the rolling bassinet for exams, tests and blah-de-blah. Trust me -- when Kid No. 2 arrives, you will plead with them to keep the baby in the nursery.
"Oh, just give him a little sugar water or a paci if necessary. Just please DO NOT DISTURB me until 7 a.m." And then you'll take your Percocet, roll over and pass out with nary a twinge of guilt.
Because at home, a busy toddler awaits. And a husband. And a dog. And you will never, ever feel as pampered as you do when a nurse visits your bedside every four hours and inquires, "Painkillers, honey?"
In the past week, I've vegged in bed. I've vegged on the couch. I left the house only two times in seven days and I am telling you -- it was fucking glorious. My mom and dad brought me breakfast each morning. They asked throughout the day if I needed anything. Me? Can you imagine?!
Now I did think about those sweet little things back at home, constantly. (Many of those thoughts, I'll confess, revolved around my daughter's newly shorn head. Did I mention that she cut it all the way to the freaking scalp in the back? My kid has a buzz going up the back of her neck. I'm still cringing.)
So. I'm back home. I have many blogs to catch up on, many clothes to wash. But I can say with assurance that if there is a Baby No. 3, you will be able to look down at the asphalt and see the fingernail marks all the way from the hospital entrance to our house.
Because this past week I've had a fleeting taste of being waited on, the first since those hospital stays. And really, I would like to cultivate it.
I missed them like crazy, of course, but was reminded, at the same time, of how Birth 2 differed from Birth 1 -- in that the second time, I knew better than to look forward to my release from the hospital. With Child No. 2, in fact, I asked to stay an extra day. Mama did NOT raise no fool.
To any new moms considering or expecting a second child: Beg for that extra day at the hospital. Grovel, if you must. Because we're talking about 24-hour room service and your last opportunity to sleep. And yeah, yeah, yeah, you kept that first baby in the room with you constantly, insisting that the nurses bring him/her back each time they left with the rolling bassinet for exams, tests and blah-de-blah. Trust me -- when Kid No. 2 arrives, you will plead with them to keep the baby in the nursery.
"Oh, just give him a little sugar water or a paci if necessary. Just please DO NOT DISTURB me until 7 a.m." And then you'll take your Percocet, roll over and pass out with nary a twinge of guilt.
Because at home, a busy toddler awaits. And a husband. And a dog. And you will never, ever feel as pampered as you do when a nurse visits your bedside every four hours and inquires, "Painkillers, honey?"
In the past week, I've vegged in bed. I've vegged on the couch. I left the house only two times in seven days and I am telling you -- it was fucking glorious. My mom and dad brought me breakfast each morning. They asked throughout the day if I needed anything. Me? Can you imagine?!
Now I did think about those sweet little things back at home, constantly. (Many of those thoughts, I'll confess, revolved around my daughter's newly shorn head. Did I mention that she cut it all the way to the freaking scalp in the back? My kid has a buzz going up the back of her neck. I'm still cringing.)
So. I'm back home. I have many blogs to catch up on, many clothes to wash. But I can say with assurance that if there is a Baby No. 3, you will be able to look down at the asphalt and see the fingernail marks all the way from the hospital entrance to our house.
Because this past week I've had a fleeting taste of being waited on, the first since those hospital stays. And really, I would like to cultivate it.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Am trying not to hyperventilate
Tootie as she looked when I left home:
Here's what she did to herself:
And here she is after an emergency trip to a salon, where two stylists worked on what was left, all the while assuring Hubs that they see this sort of thing all the time. They were surprised, however, by how much she managed to cut off the back -- all the way to her scalp.
Here's what she did to herself:
And here she is after an emergency trip to a salon, where two stylists worked on what was left, all the while assuring Hubs that they see this sort of thing all the time. They were surprised, however, by how much she managed to cut off the back -- all the way to her scalp.
Monday, July 16, 2007
The phone call
First, I'm at my parents' house, so I'm way behind on my blog reading/commenting. At some point, I will catch up...
I came here for a little R&R,(in this case, that means rest & recovery), sans Hubs and the kids. As I prepared to leave on my trip, I started to give Hubs a list of instructions and warnings -- things like, "Remember, E-man will try to stand on the edge of the bathtub, so keep a close on him during bathtime." -- and he said:
"No instructions this time. I can handle it."
I've been here 24 hours. About 30 minutes ago, the phone rang. It was Hubs.
"Your daughter..." he began. Then stopped.
"What? What happened?"
Pause.
"Your daughter..."
More silence.
"WHAT?!"
"Oh, I can't believe (inaudible). It's (inaudible)awful. She cut off her hair."
"She did what? How much?"
"Oh, God. It's bad. It's really, really bad. I can't take her to daycare looking like this."
"Where was she? How did it happen?"
"I had put her to bed. And I guess her scissors were in there. I walked in, and she was standing in front of her mirror. There was hair all over the floor."
"Oh no. How much? Can you take her somewhere tomorrow so someone can fix it?"
"Well... even if they can, she's going to look like Mia Farrow. She has no bangs. She cut them all the way up to her hairline."
Silence. Then Hubs adds:
"She said she was trying to make it pretty."
NOTE: On Saturday, I took her in for a haircut. And when I left town, she was still in possession of a cute, swingy little bob. With bangs.
"Are you sure it's that bad? I'm sure they can do something."
"You don't understand. She has less hair than E-man. I mean, they would have to buzz it to fix it."
So -- I've been gone one day, and my daughter has cut off quite a bit of her hair.
And the clincher? When I asked Hubs if he had removed the scissors from her bedroom, he said:
"No. She still has them. I freaked out and ran in here to call you."
WTF?!!!!!!!!!!
Hell, why not give her a razor and see what other styles she might deem fashionable?
I can only hope she doesn't decide to give her brother a trim as well, especially since the mullet is finally growing back.
I came here for a little R&R,(in this case, that means rest & recovery), sans Hubs and the kids. As I prepared to leave on my trip, I started to give Hubs a list of instructions and warnings -- things like, "Remember, E-man will try to stand on the edge of the bathtub, so keep a close on him during bathtime." -- and he said:
"No instructions this time. I can handle it."
I've been here 24 hours. About 30 minutes ago, the phone rang. It was Hubs.
"Your daughter..." he began. Then stopped.
"What? What happened?"
Pause.
"Your daughter..."
More silence.
"WHAT?!"
"Oh, I can't believe (inaudible). It's (inaudible)awful. She cut off her hair."
"She did what? How much?"
"Oh, God. It's bad. It's really, really bad. I can't take her to daycare looking like this."
"Where was she? How did it happen?"
"I had put her to bed. And I guess her scissors were in there. I walked in, and she was standing in front of her mirror. There was hair all over the floor."
"Oh no. How much? Can you take her somewhere tomorrow so someone can fix it?"
"Well... even if they can, she's going to look like Mia Farrow. She has no bangs. She cut them all the way up to her hairline."
Silence. Then Hubs adds:
"She said she was trying to make it pretty."
NOTE: On Saturday, I took her in for a haircut. And when I left town, she was still in possession of a cute, swingy little bob. With bangs.
"Are you sure it's that bad? I'm sure they can do something."
"You don't understand. She has less hair than E-man. I mean, they would have to buzz it to fix it."
So -- I've been gone one day, and my daughter has cut off quite a bit of her hair.
And the clincher? When I asked Hubs if he had removed the scissors from her bedroom, he said:
"No. She still has them. I freaked out and ran in here to call you."
WTF?!!!!!!!!!!
Hell, why not give her a razor and see what other styles she might deem fashionable?
I can only hope she doesn't decide to give her brother a trim as well, especially since the mullet is finally growing back.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Parents are soooooo, like, stupid
E-Man: OK, so about a half-hour after the Dull-Witted Parental Units put us to bed, I'm going to start shrieking, kind of like the night that neighbor roared by our house on his motorcycle. You know, the guy Mom calls Stupid Showoff Asshole.
Tootie: OK. Then what?
E-man: That's when you rush in right behind them, all sympathetic-like, and ask what's wrong with me.
Tootie: (encouragingly) Yeah ... ?
E-man: So that's when you tell them that if I'm afraid to stay in here, I can sleep with you in your room.
Tootie: Why would I want you in here with me? You're a bedhog. Everyone knows it. That's why you didn't get to co-sleep with the Dull-Witted Parental Units as long as I did. OK, well that, and the fact that you kept trying to crawl off the bed in the middle of the night.
E-man: Dude. Think about it. They haven't eaten dinner yet. That means they'll do anything to shut me up. You know how Mom is about food. They'll go about their biz and we can hang out until, like, midnight. At least. We can just pull some toys into the bed and they'll never notice, especially not with that giant pile of stuffed animals you sleep with. The bear will have to go, by the way. There's not room for both of us.
Tootie: I don't know...
E-man: What if I told you I have contraband Lucky Charms under my crib? Mom bought some the other night because she had a "hankering." At least, that's what she told Daddy, who was kind of freaked out because she always eats that stuff when she's pregnant. Whoa... You don't think there's competition on the way, do you?
Tootie: Don't be stupid. They finally have both of us sleeping through the night. No way would they do that to themselves right now. Mom just likes sugary cereals. You know she sometimes smuggles in Fruity Pebbles too, right?
E-man: What a hypocrite. She won't buy them for us, but I've seen her snarfing bowls of that stuff when she thought we were busy with Legos. Anyway, I've been sneaking Lucky Charms a handful at a time. You work with me on this, and I'll share.
Tootie: (eagerly) OK!
A half-hour later:
E-man: Wah! Wah! Mamaaaaaaaaa! Wah!
Cathy: It's all right sweetie. Just a bad dream. Let's go back to sleep.
She rocks E-man.
E-man:nonononononononononononononononononononononononon
Tootie wanders in.
Tootie: What's wrong with E-man? Ohhhh... (she pats his back) Is he scared?
Cathy tries to place toddler back in the crib, but he clings like a burr.
E-man: No! No bed! No sleepytime!
Hubs: Hey! Dinner's about done! And it's not steak!
Tootie: Mama, E-man can sleep in my bed. Then he won't be scared!
Cathy: I really don't think it's a good idea...
Hubs: Dinner! I made mashed pototates. With gravy. (to himself, but audibly, Oh man, these are incredible)
Cathy: (envisioning potatoes and anticipating the first poultry she's had in ages. And gravy...) OK, E-man can sleep with you.
The children are tucked into Tootie's bed. After Cathy has gorged herself on mashed potatoes swimming in gravy, she finally repsonds to the giggles she keeps hearing.
Cathy: What's going on in there?!
E-man: Here, quick! Take this book. She's a sucker for reading. If she sees us with books, we'll get to stay up even later. It'll make her night. She's weird that way.
Tootie: I want Apples Up on Top.
E-man: Here, take this one.
Hubs and Cathy: Awwww...
Cathy: Oh, that's so sweet. They're reading. Together. Let's leave them alone.
E-man: Heh. Told you.
Tootie: This is great! Geez, they are so gullible. Hey, pass those Lucky Charms, will ya? You know, I'm getting kind of slee...
Tootie: OK. Then what?
E-man: That's when you rush in right behind them, all sympathetic-like, and ask what's wrong with me.
Tootie: (encouragingly) Yeah ... ?
E-man: So that's when you tell them that if I'm afraid to stay in here, I can sleep with you in your room.
Tootie: Why would I want you in here with me? You're a bedhog. Everyone knows it. That's why you didn't get to co-sleep with the Dull-Witted Parental Units as long as I did. OK, well that, and the fact that you kept trying to crawl off the bed in the middle of the night.
E-man: Dude. Think about it. They haven't eaten dinner yet. That means they'll do anything to shut me up. You know how Mom is about food. They'll go about their biz and we can hang out until, like, midnight. At least. We can just pull some toys into the bed and they'll never notice, especially not with that giant pile of stuffed animals you sleep with. The bear will have to go, by the way. There's not room for both of us.
Tootie: I don't know...
E-man: What if I told you I have contraband Lucky Charms under my crib? Mom bought some the other night because she had a "hankering." At least, that's what she told Daddy, who was kind of freaked out because she always eats that stuff when she's pregnant. Whoa... You don't think there's competition on the way, do you?
Tootie: Don't be stupid. They finally have both of us sleeping through the night. No way would they do that to themselves right now. Mom just likes sugary cereals. You know she sometimes smuggles in Fruity Pebbles too, right?
E-man: What a hypocrite. She won't buy them for us, but I've seen her snarfing bowls of that stuff when she thought we were busy with Legos. Anyway, I've been sneaking Lucky Charms a handful at a time. You work with me on this, and I'll share.
Tootie: (eagerly) OK!
A half-hour later:
E-man: Wah! Wah! Mamaaaaaaaaa! Wah!
Cathy: It's all right sweetie. Just a bad dream. Let's go back to sleep.
She rocks E-man.
E-man:nonononononononononononononononononononononononon
Tootie wanders in.
Tootie: What's wrong with E-man? Ohhhh... (she pats his back) Is he scared?
Cathy tries to place toddler back in the crib, but he clings like a burr.
E-man: No! No bed! No sleepytime!
Hubs: Hey! Dinner's about done! And it's not steak!
Tootie: Mama, E-man can sleep in my bed. Then he won't be scared!
Cathy: I really don't think it's a good idea...
Hubs: Dinner! I made mashed pototates. With gravy. (to himself, but audibly, Oh man, these are incredible)
Cathy: (envisioning potatoes and anticipating the first poultry she's had in ages. And gravy...) OK, E-man can sleep with you.
The children are tucked into Tootie's bed. After Cathy has gorged herself on mashed potatoes swimming in gravy, she finally repsonds to the giggles she keeps hearing.
Cathy: What's going on in there?!
E-man: Here, quick! Take this book. She's a sucker for reading. If she sees us with books, we'll get to stay up even later. It'll make her night. She's weird that way.
Tootie: I want Apples Up on Top.
E-man: Here, take this one.
Hubs and Cathy: Awwww...
Cathy: Oh, that's so sweet. They're reading. Together. Let's leave them alone.
E-man: Heh. Told you.
Tootie: This is great! Geez, they are so gullible. Hey, pass those Lucky Charms, will ya? You know, I'm getting kind of slee...
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Steak ... again ...? sigh...
So, after Hubs finally realized that hmmm... it's been a good two weeks or so since my wife has ventured near a stove ... he took it upon himself to stock the fridge and pantry.
And he's been cooking every night. Which, on the one hand is glorious, as I can recline on the couch, sipping my water (oh, red wine, I miss you...) and watching illustrative shows such as Wife Swap.
On the other, I am probably going to be the only person who gains weight during a bout with The Mono. And my cholesterol? I don't even want to think about it.
Hubs is a meat & potatoes sort of guy, emphasis on the meat. The last time I actually used the kitchen, I made a light, summery pasta — very pretty, with all those red and yellow peppers. Hubs poked around his plate for a few minutes, then asked, "Shouldn't there be chicken or something in here?"
In the past week, Hubs has happily lugged home two bags of charcoal. I hear the back door open and shut, open and shut, as well as the cheerful clink of tongs.
Our menu these past few evenings?
New York strips.
Flank steak.
Venison.
And last night, this:
Now, I do love myself some steak. And, of course, the brats. But there's been nary a piece of chicken or fish in ... weeks? I am, of course, rendered too weak and delicate by The Mono to protest. And even if I did, Hubs would simply argue that I need my protein ... before he trotted back out to the deck with all his grilling paraphernalia.
And the dog? That furry little traitor has totally aligned herself with He-Who-Cooks-Meat. A scrap here, a scrap there and her allegiance has now been pledged to Hubs — the very man who ousted her from the bed and forbade any future pillow-humping.
Hubs walked by just now, and when I asked what was on the menu tonight, he laughed a triumphant laugh.
That means he's grilling. Again.
I do appreciate his efforts. But my weight... oh, my weight. Or maybe I'm just bitter because nothing I've made — not even homemade mac & cheese — has ever prompted the children to cheer as they do over Daddy's Deer Spaghetti.
Hmph.
And he's been cooking every night. Which, on the one hand is glorious, as I can recline on the couch, sipping my water (oh, red wine, I miss you...) and watching illustrative shows such as Wife Swap.
On the other, I am probably going to be the only person who gains weight during a bout with The Mono. And my cholesterol? I don't even want to think about it.
Hubs is a meat & potatoes sort of guy, emphasis on the meat. The last time I actually used the kitchen, I made a light, summery pasta — very pretty, with all those red and yellow peppers. Hubs poked around his plate for a few minutes, then asked, "Shouldn't there be chicken or something in here?"
In the past week, Hubs has happily lugged home two bags of charcoal. I hear the back door open and shut, open and shut, as well as the cheerful clink of tongs.
Our menu these past few evenings?
New York strips.
Flank steak.
Venison.
And last night, this:
Now, I do love myself some steak. And, of course, the brats. But there's been nary a piece of chicken or fish in ... weeks? I am, of course, rendered too weak and delicate by The Mono to protest. And even if I did, Hubs would simply argue that I need my protein ... before he trotted back out to the deck with all his grilling paraphernalia.
And the dog? That furry little traitor has totally aligned herself with He-Who-Cooks-Meat. A scrap here, a scrap there and her allegiance has now been pledged to Hubs — the very man who ousted her from the bed and forbade any future pillow-humping.
Hubs walked by just now, and when I asked what was on the menu tonight, he laughed a triumphant laugh.
That means he's grilling. Again.
I do appreciate his efforts. But my weight... oh, my weight. Or maybe I'm just bitter because nothing I've made — not even homemade mac & cheese — has ever prompted the children to cheer as they do over Daddy's Deer Spaghetti.
Hmph.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
On ERs and hamsters...
... or rather, here is my brain on painkillers:
I was going to tell you all about my trip to the ER Sunday night, but quite frankly, I'm so bored to death and utterly sick of The Mono, I just can't bring myself to rehash it.
OK, briefly -- After suffering with the MOTHER OF ALL HEADACHES all weekend, I went to the ER, where I wailed, gnashed my teeth and finally offered to pimp myself out to the cute flight medic in exchange for anything that would put me out of my misery. He kindly agreed to inquire about drugs without demanding sexual favors, but that might be because I was wearing a tomato-stained, holey T-shirt, an ancient pair of gym shorts and a ratty pair of flip-flops that exposed my chipped toenails.
So it's now TUESDAY and the headache is still here. Hence my disgust with this whole mono business.
Anyway...
During all this free time at home, when I'm not watching reruns of 90210, I've been pondering the difficulties of blended families, the primary one being how even the teensiest things that wouldn't even register in "nuclear" families suddenly become HUGE, GINORMOUS issues when you're talking about steps.
OK, so really, I'm still brooding over Father's Day, when my stepkids neglected to buy even a card for their dad. In past years, I've always taken them shopping. This time, however, they canceled on the day we were supposed to meet.
So by the time Father's Day drew to a close, my manly, rugged, camo-wearing Hubs was teary-eyed. I've seen him cry one other time, when we were covering the anniversary of 9/11 in New York, and this little girl walked by wearing her deceased father's firefighting dress hat. Hubs kept shooting photos even as the tears ran down his cheeks. (See why I love this man?)
I told myself I wouldn't meddle. But by Monday night, I was on the phone with Stepdaughter, asking if maybe she and her brother could give their dad a call, or, you know, send him a belated card?
Of course, nothing happened and I spent the next week kicking myself because if Hubs ever found out I did that, he would NOT be happy. Why, I wondered, did I even bother?
Here's the thing. My stepkids are good kids. They're kind and respectful most of the time. But they're also teenagers, ages 15 and 16, and like many at that age, they are a tad self-centered right now.
In a nuclear family, this wouldn't be a big deal because parents expect their teens to be thoughtless little shits. In a stepfamily, however, non-custodial parents (and perhaps their interfering spouses) tend to ... overanalyze?
Those conversations back in college, when you tried to figure out why that guy didn't call? Those can't compare to the in-depth, hours-long discussions Hubs and I have had in trying to figure out what I'm sure is perfectly normal teenage behavior.
But we don't live with the kids, you see. We play catchup on the weekends. We have no idea what is or isn't normal.
Here's what visitation is like: You know those cousins you saw once a year when you were kids? Remember how awkward things were at the start of each visit -- because you hadn't seen each other in ages -- but then by the end of you were giggling over farting contests and whispering about first kisses with the boys down the street.
That's non-custodial steplife. Just as you all start to feel comfortable and are falling into old, familiar patterns, the kids go home. And then, two weeks later, you have to start all over again.
So yeah, it's pretty easy to overreact to things.
Like the summer of Jack the Hamster.
Back in the early days of our marriage, the kids would stay with us for six weeks during summer break. And oh, the stress, oh, the overanalyzing and fretting, particularly the year Stepdaughter showed up with Jack, the elderly, three-legged hamster with a raging eye infection.
I took one look at Jack, who was sitting listlessly in his cage, and pulled Hubs aside.
"That hamster is near death. What the hell are we going to do?"
Hubs examined Jack.
"I'll be damned if that hamster dies on our watch," he declared.
And thus began six weeks of detailed rodent care -- because, OMG, if Jack died at OUR house, well, then what did that say about us? (OK, and selfishly, I did NOT want to be the one dealing with a mangy hamster carcass.) Each day, Hubs and I diligently put in Jack's eye drops and monitored his every labored move. ("Is he still breathing?" "Yeah, look, his ribs are moving.")
When the kids left, Jack still had a pulse. Hubs and I were jubilant.
Visitation had not been marred by hamster tragedy. That was one black mark that wouldn't be applied to our house.
And a week later, we did a little dance when we heard Jack had died at the Ex's house, because we just KNEW the whole reason she had sent him along for the kids' visitation was so that we would be the ones held accountable for Jack's demise. You can't fool us. We know what's going on.
See, there's that overanalyzing again. We apply a sinister motive to everything.
Hubs appears to have gotten over his Father's Day disappointment. At least, he hasn't mentioned it lately. I guess I need to do the same.
If only I didn't have all this free time at the moment ...
-----------------------
OK, just re-read this post and realize I have totally rambled. If you'd like to read something more coherent, wander over to Musing Mama, where this week's essays address the temptation to be a Controlling Parent.
I was going to tell you all about my trip to the ER Sunday night, but quite frankly, I'm so bored to death and utterly sick of The Mono, I just can't bring myself to rehash it.
OK, briefly -- After suffering with the MOTHER OF ALL HEADACHES all weekend, I went to the ER, where I wailed, gnashed my teeth and finally offered to pimp myself out to the cute flight medic in exchange for anything that would put me out of my misery. He kindly agreed to inquire about drugs without demanding sexual favors, but that might be because I was wearing a tomato-stained, holey T-shirt, an ancient pair of gym shorts and a ratty pair of flip-flops that exposed my chipped toenails.
So it's now TUESDAY and the headache is still here. Hence my disgust with this whole mono business.
Anyway...
During all this free time at home, when I'm not watching reruns of 90210, I've been pondering the difficulties of blended families, the primary one being how even the teensiest things that wouldn't even register in "nuclear" families suddenly become HUGE, GINORMOUS issues when you're talking about steps.
OK, so really, I'm still brooding over Father's Day, when my stepkids neglected to buy even a card for their dad. In past years, I've always taken them shopping. This time, however, they canceled on the day we were supposed to meet.
So by the time Father's Day drew to a close, my manly, rugged, camo-wearing Hubs was teary-eyed. I've seen him cry one other time, when we were covering the anniversary of 9/11 in New York, and this little girl walked by wearing her deceased father's firefighting dress hat. Hubs kept shooting photos even as the tears ran down his cheeks. (See why I love this man?)
I told myself I wouldn't meddle. But by Monday night, I was on the phone with Stepdaughter, asking if maybe she and her brother could give their dad a call, or, you know, send him a belated card?
Of course, nothing happened and I spent the next week kicking myself because if Hubs ever found out I did that, he would NOT be happy. Why, I wondered, did I even bother?
Here's the thing. My stepkids are good kids. They're kind and respectful most of the time. But they're also teenagers, ages 15 and 16, and like many at that age, they are a tad self-centered right now.
In a nuclear family, this wouldn't be a big deal because parents expect their teens to be thoughtless little shits. In a stepfamily, however, non-custodial parents (and perhaps their interfering spouses) tend to ... overanalyze?
Those conversations back in college, when you tried to figure out why that guy didn't call? Those can't compare to the in-depth, hours-long discussions Hubs and I have had in trying to figure out what I'm sure is perfectly normal teenage behavior.
But we don't live with the kids, you see. We play catchup on the weekends. We have no idea what is or isn't normal.
Here's what visitation is like: You know those cousins you saw once a year when you were kids? Remember how awkward things were at the start of each visit -- because you hadn't seen each other in ages -- but then by the end of you were giggling over farting contests and whispering about first kisses with the boys down the street.
That's non-custodial steplife. Just as you all start to feel comfortable and are falling into old, familiar patterns, the kids go home. And then, two weeks later, you have to start all over again.
So yeah, it's pretty easy to overreact to things.
Like the summer of Jack the Hamster.
Back in the early days of our marriage, the kids would stay with us for six weeks during summer break. And oh, the stress, oh, the overanalyzing and fretting, particularly the year Stepdaughter showed up with Jack, the elderly, three-legged hamster with a raging eye infection.
I took one look at Jack, who was sitting listlessly in his cage, and pulled Hubs aside.
"That hamster is near death. What the hell are we going to do?"
Hubs examined Jack.
"I'll be damned if that hamster dies on our watch," he declared.
And thus began six weeks of detailed rodent care -- because, OMG, if Jack died at OUR house, well, then what did that say about us? (OK, and selfishly, I did NOT want to be the one dealing with a mangy hamster carcass.) Each day, Hubs and I diligently put in Jack's eye drops and monitored his every labored move. ("Is he still breathing?" "Yeah, look, his ribs are moving.")
When the kids left, Jack still had a pulse. Hubs and I were jubilant.
Visitation had not been marred by hamster tragedy. That was one black mark that wouldn't be applied to our house.
And a week later, we did a little dance when we heard Jack had died at the Ex's house, because we just KNEW the whole reason she had sent him along for the kids' visitation was so that we would be the ones held accountable for Jack's demise. You can't fool us. We know what's going on.
See, there's that overanalyzing again. We apply a sinister motive to everything.
Hubs appears to have gotten over his Father's Day disappointment. At least, he hasn't mentioned it lately. I guess I need to do the same.
If only I didn't have all this free time at the moment ...
-----------------------
OK, just re-read this post and realize I have totally rambled. If you'd like to read something more coherent, wander over to Musing Mama, where this week's essays address the temptation to be a Controlling Parent.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Oh, the drama!
... the late-night phone calls. Accusations of betrayal. The frequent talks of splitting up.
Don't you just love fantasy baseball?
Hubs has been a devout participant for years, as have many other of our newsroom friends. Take J., for example, a sweet and mild-mannered man who once served as the league's commissioner --
-- until the year that Fluffy Bunnies (that would be the nickname of one fantasy team "owner") accused The White Squirrel of making some sort of illegal trade.
Angry emails swept through cyberspace. Phones rang up until 2 a.m. Unfortunately for one league participant, J.'s wife answered one of those calls. And she wasn't happy to be hearing from a 40-something-year-old man known as Fluffy Bunnies in the wee hours of the morning.
That was the last year J. served as commissioner. Hubs took over, but after I started getting late-night calls from distraught men with ridiculous nicknames, he too, was forced to resign.
And if all this weren't disturbing enough, a totally random Google search this evening turned up this and this ...
... which, given Fluffy Bunny's devotion to both the sport and fantasy league, did make me wonder what sort of lingerie his wife might receive at Christmas. Eeeww.
(I was tempted to use Absolutely Bananas' Photoshop tutorial to show you what I might look like in cleat stilettos, but was fearful Hubs might read my blog for the first time ever and get his own icky Christmas ideas. Because, you know, my pale, dimpled thighs were specially made for an umpire outfit that barely covers my ass.)
--------------------------------------
Since I am now a button wh**re (sorry for the asterisks, Queen Heather, but I fear if I spelled it out, those who are seeking baseball nighties for their most unfortunate girlfriends might find me via Google.) I must excitedly tell you about this award --
-- bestowed ever so kindly by This Eclectic Life's Shelly, who has deemed me a gracious blog hostess and friendly visitor to other blogs. I assume she's referring to my natural charm and charisma, as opposed to any comments I may have left on your blogs after sipping a glass or two of wine, which makes me very ... chatty.
I also thank Shelly for this --
-- which I received for explaining why other people might find my work environment kind of scary. Or fascinating, depending on whether you, too, are prone to using bizarre s**ual aides or musing over sheep s*x (damn those necessary asterisks and my paranoia, and, of course, the Google Freaks).
Tomorrow: My Sunday-night, mono-related trip to the ER, during which I meet a whole new group of Med School's Top Models.
Don't you just love fantasy baseball?
Hubs has been a devout participant for years, as have many other of our newsroom friends. Take J., for example, a sweet and mild-mannered man who once served as the league's commissioner --
-- until the year that Fluffy Bunnies (that would be the nickname of one fantasy team "owner") accused The White Squirrel of making some sort of illegal trade.
Angry emails swept through cyberspace. Phones rang up until 2 a.m. Unfortunately for one league participant, J.'s wife answered one of those calls. And she wasn't happy to be hearing from a 40-something-year-old man known as Fluffy Bunnies in the wee hours of the morning.
That was the last year J. served as commissioner. Hubs took over, but after I started getting late-night calls from distraught men with ridiculous nicknames, he too, was forced to resign.
And if all this weren't disturbing enough, a totally random Google search this evening turned up this and this ...
... which, given Fluffy Bunny's devotion to both the sport and fantasy league, did make me wonder what sort of lingerie his wife might receive at Christmas. Eeeww.
(I was tempted to use Absolutely Bananas' Photoshop tutorial to show you what I might look like in cleat stilettos, but was fearful Hubs might read my blog for the first time ever and get his own icky Christmas ideas. Because, you know, my pale, dimpled thighs were specially made for an umpire outfit that barely covers my ass.)
--------------------------------------
Since I am now a button wh**re (sorry for the asterisks, Queen Heather, but I fear if I spelled it out, those who are seeking baseball nighties for their most unfortunate girlfriends might find me via Google.) I must excitedly tell you about this award --
-- bestowed ever so kindly by This Eclectic Life's Shelly, who has deemed me a gracious blog hostess and friendly visitor to other blogs. I assume she's referring to my natural charm and charisma, as opposed to any comments I may have left on your blogs after sipping a glass or two of wine, which makes me very ... chatty.
I also thank Shelly for this --
-- which I received for explaining why other people might find my work environment kind of scary. Or fascinating, depending on whether you, too, are prone to using bizarre s**ual aides or musing over sheep s*x (damn those necessary asterisks and my paranoia, and, of course, the Google Freaks).
Tomorrow: My Sunday-night, mono-related trip to the ER, during which I meet a whole new group of Med School's Top Models.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Mono, I hate thee ...
But first, the happy news (and my belated thanks):
Julie of The Raven' Picture Maven was ever so kind enough to bestow this --
-- for my post on tick fever/irritating spouses.
Thanks, Julie! (If you're feeling even a twinge of Saturday-night nostalgia for those teen years marked by Sixteen Candles or frightening spiral-perms, head over to her place for a hilarious recap of high school in the late '80s. There are two parts. Start here.)
And ... if you'd like to read the other ROFL posts -- and they are truly hysterical, you can find a list at Chicky Chicky Baby or metro mama.
-----------------------
Not-so-good news ...
Apparently, it's not a good idea to thumb one's nose at mono. I've suffered a relapse this weekend, and really, this stupid virus is kicking my ass. Again.
(For those who've read only the ROFLpost about Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever -- well, as it turned out, the culprit behind my woes was adult mono. Ridiculous, no?)
My sense of humor is suffering at this point, hence the delay in posting, but I'm hanging in there.
-----------------------
Back to happier -- no, make that fantastic! -- news ...
Whymommy of Toddler Planet received some wonderfully encouraging test results regarding her breast cancer. So why not head over there and give her a little mama support before she starts chemo next week?
----------------------
Now I'm heading back to bed, cursing the blasted mono on my way.
Julie of The Raven' Picture Maven was ever so kind enough to bestow this --
-- for my post on tick fever/irritating spouses.
Thanks, Julie! (If you're feeling even a twinge of Saturday-night nostalgia for those teen years marked by Sixteen Candles or frightening spiral-perms, head over to her place for a hilarious recap of high school in the late '80s. There are two parts. Start here.)
And ... if you'd like to read the other ROFL posts -- and they are truly hysterical, you can find a list at Chicky Chicky Baby or metro mama.
-----------------------
Not-so-good news ...
Apparently, it's not a good idea to thumb one's nose at mono. I've suffered a relapse this weekend, and really, this stupid virus is kicking my ass. Again.
(For those who've read only the ROFLpost about Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever -- well, as it turned out, the culprit behind my woes was adult mono. Ridiculous, no?)
My sense of humor is suffering at this point, hence the delay in posting, but I'm hanging in there.
-----------------------
Back to happier -- no, make that fantastic! -- news ...
Whymommy of Toddler Planet received some wonderfully encouraging test results regarding her breast cancer. So why not head over there and give her a little mama support before she starts chemo next week?
----------------------
Now I'm heading back to bed, cursing the blasted mono on my way.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Chunky matron seeks...
...older, wrinkled, grandfatherly sort of doctor — must be at least 65 or look it — to serve the many health needs of a nearsighted, allergy-prone, mole-checking, still-of-reproductive-age hypochondriac.
Hot or even mildly cute young doctors should not bother to apply.
I'm on a hot-doctor roll these days, and I say now: "ENOUGH ALREADY! My ego is fragile. My body isn't what it used to be. I'm not in any condition, mentally or physically, to disrobe in front of men MY AGE. Or ... *sob* ... younger."
In the past year, I have —
— been to an ER inhabited by the most beautiful medical staff ever.
— gone to a dermatologist to report all suspicious moles, only to be passed off to Hot Doctor No. 1. One of the moles in question was ON MY ASS.
— gone to the family clinic only to be assigned a doctor who is at least two years younger than me. (Yes, I Googled him. I had to know.)
— been referred to an orthapedic surgeon — yes, another hottie — with whom the following dialogue took place:
Cathy: Yeah, the shoulder is improving, but I still can't ... you know ... reach my arm all the way behind my back.
Hot Doctor: (Looks puzzled.)
Cathy: You know — (*reaches behind back and mimes fastening a bra*)
(oh for god's sake, Cathyyoufuckingidiot, entire crowds have gathered around your crotch in recent years. Just say it. Bra. B-R-A. arrghhh...)
Doctor: Yes, well, just — (*doctor mimes fastening a bra in the front and then sliding it around the chest*)
Cathy: That's a pain in the ass. (did i just say that?)
Doctor: OK, well, just buy one that fastens in the front.
Cathy: Um ... yeah.
(Oh, great. I haven't even hit 40, but I'm reduced to buying the Arthritis Bra? I mean, look at it:
I am SO not ready for that. Still, I wasn't about to argue this point with Hot Doctor when I couldn't even say "bra." Because then what if I actually had to say "breasts?" Ack!)
I was still blushing when I reached the car.
WTF?!!!!
Have age and childbearing really turned me into such a prudish, stammering moron?
Nah.
I mean, clearly I have no problem talking about any number of very personal issues right here in cyber-public.
And countless male co-workers who've had the misfortune to sit next to me during my pregnancies probably know waaaay more about my girly bits than Hubs ever will.
(Wanna see a male reporter haul ass across the newsroom? Just say, "Bloody mucous plug." Works every time.)
And I have no problem discussing any number of health issues with older, ordinary-looking doctors — ingrown pubic hairs, for example. Or whether certain acts of marital bliss ... ahem ... during pregnancy really do shoot air into the va jay jay, which, as we all know from the Devil Pregnancy Book, is a bad thing because it can lead to one getting an air embolism. Down there. *shudder* And you could like, die. While Hubs is still giving it his all. (how long before he would notice? hmmm...)
It's just that the young doctors make me feel so self-conscious. A lot of them don't yet have kids, so you just know they're totally unfamiliar with a woman's postpartum pooch or nipples that no pasty could cover.
When I have to bare all for them, I suddenly realize: If Hubs dies or we ever got divorced, this is what I would be dealing with if I ever wanted to have sex again. My dating pool would be limited to much-older-men-who-already-have-fathered-children, men whose ass sag could rival my boob sag, and who therefore wouldn't be as appalled (as I am) by my body's "used" condition.
Regardless — where is my senior citizen crowd of medical professionals? Get rid of all these McDreamy and McSteamy types who make me blush and babble. Bring the gray-hairs out of retirement. Please. Now.
Because if I ever decide I want a tummy tuck, or maybe to have the girls hoisted back up to ye old place of glory, well, I'd rather my doctor be so ancient that he sees my 37-year-old body as positively youthful. ("Oh, my dear. You certainly don't need any work done yet. These are the breasts of a 30-year-old. Truly. But if you insist...")
Hot or even mildly cute young doctors should not bother to apply.
I'm on a hot-doctor roll these days, and I say now: "ENOUGH ALREADY! My ego is fragile. My body isn't what it used to be. I'm not in any condition, mentally or physically, to disrobe in front of men MY AGE. Or ... *sob* ... younger."
In the past year, I have —
— been to an ER inhabited by the most beautiful medical staff ever.
— gone to a dermatologist to report all suspicious moles, only to be passed off to Hot Doctor No. 1. One of the moles in question was ON MY ASS.
— gone to the family clinic only to be assigned a doctor who is at least two years younger than me. (Yes, I Googled him. I had to know.)
— been referred to an orthapedic surgeon — yes, another hottie — with whom the following dialogue took place:
Cathy: Yeah, the shoulder is improving, but I still can't ... you know ... reach my arm all the way behind my back.
Hot Doctor: (Looks puzzled.)
Cathy: You know — (*reaches behind back and mimes fastening a bra*)
(oh for god's sake, Cathyyoufuckingidiot, entire crowds have gathered around your crotch in recent years. Just say it. Bra. B-R-A. arrghhh...)
Doctor: Yes, well, just — (*doctor mimes fastening a bra in the front and then sliding it around the chest*)
Cathy: That's a pain in the ass. (did i just say that?)
Doctor: OK, well, just buy one that fastens in the front.
Cathy: Um ... yeah.
(Oh, great. I haven't even hit 40, but I'm reduced to buying the Arthritis Bra? I mean, look at it:
I am SO not ready for that. Still, I wasn't about to argue this point with Hot Doctor when I couldn't even say "bra." Because then what if I actually had to say "breasts?" Ack!)
I was still blushing when I reached the car.
WTF?!!!!
Have age and childbearing really turned me into such a prudish, stammering moron?
Nah.
I mean, clearly I have no problem talking about any number of very personal issues right here in cyber-public.
And countless male co-workers who've had the misfortune to sit next to me during my pregnancies probably know waaaay more about my girly bits than Hubs ever will.
(Wanna see a male reporter haul ass across the newsroom? Just say, "Bloody mucous plug." Works every time.)
And I have no problem discussing any number of health issues with older, ordinary-looking doctors — ingrown pubic hairs, for example. Or whether certain acts of marital bliss ... ahem ... during pregnancy really do shoot air into the va jay jay, which, as we all know from the Devil Pregnancy Book, is a bad thing because it can lead to one getting an air embolism. Down there. *shudder* And you could like, die. While Hubs is still giving it his all. (how long before he would notice? hmmm...)
It's just that the young doctors make me feel so self-conscious. A lot of them don't yet have kids, so you just know they're totally unfamiliar with a woman's postpartum pooch or nipples that no pasty could cover.
When I have to bare all for them, I suddenly realize: If Hubs dies or we ever got divorced, this is what I would be dealing with if I ever wanted to have sex again. My dating pool would be limited to much-older-men-who-already-have-fathered-children, men whose ass sag could rival my boob sag, and who therefore wouldn't be as appalled (as I am) by my body's "used" condition.
Regardless — where is my senior citizen crowd of medical professionals? Get rid of all these McDreamy and McSteamy types who make me blush and babble. Bring the gray-hairs out of retirement. Please. Now.
Because if I ever decide I want a tummy tuck, or maybe to have the girls hoisted back up to ye old place of glory, well, I'd rather my doctor be so ancient that he sees my 37-year-old body as positively youthful. ("Oh, my dear. You certainly don't need any work done yet. These are the breasts of a 30-year-old. Truly. But if you insist...")
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Hair products: My toddler's 'X'
So if you were to bump into us, say, in the grocery store, my 2-year-old son would lean toward you, beaming, arms reaching.
Oh, how sweet, you might think (if his hands were clean). That little boy wants to give me a hug.
But no. The E-man would rest his head on your shoulder and then gently clutch a handful of your hair.
And inhale.
Deeply.
My son is a hair-sniffer. Dogs and their butt-sniffing have nothing on this kid. I can't tell you how many times I've pried him off of daycare teachers, unsuspecting co-workers or perfect strangers.
And each time, I am reminded of this book --
-- Ferdinand, the little bull who wanted only to smell the flowers.
Of course, that story lends itself to adorable drawings, where in this case, we are reminded of this --
<
Remember? The guy pushing his girlfriend on the swing, how at one point he swoops in and sniffs her hair?
I bought my first stash of this stuff before a weeklong stay at summer camp. Loved it. And guess what? You can still find it online.
Tempting, yes, but I won't be ordering any. It was too much for Shaun Cassidy. (Or so he told Tiger Beat.) No tellling what effect it would have on the E-man.
Oh, how sweet, you might think (if his hands were clean). That little boy wants to give me a hug.
But no. The E-man would rest his head on your shoulder and then gently clutch a handful of your hair.
And inhale.
Deeply.
My son is a hair-sniffer. Dogs and their butt-sniffing have nothing on this kid. I can't tell you how many times I've pried him off of daycare teachers, unsuspecting co-workers or perfect strangers.
And each time, I am reminded of this book --
-- Ferdinand, the little bull who wanted only to smell the flowers.
Of course, that story lends itself to adorable drawings, where in this case, we are reminded of this --
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Remember? The guy pushing his girlfriend on the swing, how at one point he swoops in and sniffs her hair?
I bought my first stash of this stuff before a weeklong stay at summer camp. Loved it. And guess what? You can still find it online.
Tempting, yes, but I won't be ordering any. It was too much for Shaun Cassidy. (Or so he told Tiger Beat.) No tellling what effect it would have on the E-man.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Yeah, but they're so damn cute...
You wake up at 6:45 a.m. to the sound of rain and the mewlings of a cranky, feverish son.
Within minutes, you have discovered that you are out of Motrin and, apparently, the Children's Tylenol has expired.
Hubs has an early-morning assignment, so after he dashes out the door with your daughter, you throw on some shorts, decide to leave on the oversized softball shirt you slept in and -- hmm... bra, no bra? screw it -- pluck your barefoot and PJ-clad son off the couch, slide on a pair of flip-flops near the door and trundle out into the rain.
Two mud puddles later, you reach the car, buckle a fussing toddler into his seat and head to the nearest drugstore. A glance in the rear view mirror reveals that you forgot to brush your hair and that your impossible cowlick is going to be the first thing noticed by early-morning shoppers, if, that is, their gaze isn't immediately captured by your unharnessed breasts, which seem to be remarkably jouncy given their lack of ... ahem ... perkiness.
After a quick dash through the store with your squirming, barefoot son ("Down, Mama, down!") you return home and prepare to medicate said uncooperative child.
"No! No mess! No mess!" he declares, clamping his lips together and turning away.
When, you mutter to yourself, will this day end?
...............
But then, two hours later, your son's fever is gone and you're watching your pre-schooler march around with a paper-plate-streamer-thingy and you think, God, I wish this moment could last forever...
And you say to Hubs, "Hey, honey, let's go home and procreate!"
Within minutes, you have discovered that you are out of Motrin and, apparently, the Children's Tylenol has expired.
Hubs has an early-morning assignment, so after he dashes out the door with your daughter, you throw on some shorts, decide to leave on the oversized softball shirt you slept in and -- hmm... bra, no bra? screw it -- pluck your barefoot and PJ-clad son off the couch, slide on a pair of flip-flops near the door and trundle out into the rain.
Two mud puddles later, you reach the car, buckle a fussing toddler into his seat and head to the nearest drugstore. A glance in the rear view mirror reveals that you forgot to brush your hair and that your impossible cowlick is going to be the first thing noticed by early-morning shoppers, if, that is, their gaze isn't immediately captured by your unharnessed breasts, which seem to be remarkably jouncy given their lack of ... ahem ... perkiness.
After a quick dash through the store with your squirming, barefoot son ("Down, Mama, down!") you return home and prepare to medicate said uncooperative child.
"No! No mess! No mess!" he declares, clamping his lips together and turning away.
When, you mutter to yourself, will this day end?
...............
But then, two hours later, your son's fever is gone and you're watching your pre-schooler march around with a paper-plate-streamer-thingy and you think, God, I wish this moment could last forever...
And you say to Hubs, "Hey, honey, let's go home and procreate!"
Monday, July 02, 2007
Strength in numbers
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