You want me at your workplace. Really.

My last post and the recollection of having to tell a new employer I was pregnant brought to mind the many interviews I've had in the 13 years since getting that college degree.

In my 20s, I roamed. Frequently. From age 23 to 29, I worked at four newspapers before heading to Arkansas. I stayed here 5 years, then Hubs and I figured we'd try heading back to our home state of Texas.

Opportunity presented itself in the spring of 2004 in San Antonio.

It was the most memorable job interview ever.

Hubs and I had just wrapped up a week's vacation in Big Bend when we headed to San Antonio to discuss our prospects there.

By late afternoon, I'd met with several editors and reporters. Hubs, meanwhile, was hanging out with photographers and photo editors.

That particular day, a longtime editor happened to be leaving for a new job at a sister newspaper.

So the higher-ups brought in a mariachi band for the festivities.

I stood, swaying in appreciation, in a hallway just off the newsroom.

Suddenly, one member of the ensemble headed in my direction. He was laughing, beckoning.

I looked behind me. I looked around me.

Oh my God, is he coming toward me?

"I don't work here," I mouthed to the young, grinning man as he approached. "No, no!"

But he grabbed my hand and tugged.

Now I have done my share of dancing -- the Chicken Dance, the Macarena, you name it, I've probably attempted it. But only under the influence of alcohol and dim lighting.

Now, here I was, dressed in a a fitted, interview-appropriate skirt and shirt, being hauled in front of the newsroom. Sober. Under fluorescent lighting.

He made me do the twist. In front of prospective employers. He took me all the way down to the floor.

"Hey, man." A photographer nudged Hubs, who had joined the gathering but was too busy talking to pay attention to the mariachi band.

"Isn't that your wife up there?"

Hubs turned, just as my ass was inches from the floor, my hips still swiveling, face flushed with humiliation.

"Oh. Yeah. That's Cathy. You can't take her anywhere."

Sharing secrets. Mine, I mean. Not yours.

The other day, I went to lunch with several girlfriends.

I should have noticed something was up when A. didn't order sushi. But I was too busy blathering about work.

Then, in the midst of discussing her still-new marriage, she said, "Oh, yeah, and I'll be having a baby in February."

Totally nonchalant. Like -- "Oh, yeah, I'll take a diet Coke with that."

Another girlfriend and I paused, forks in mid-air.

"You're pregnant?!" one of us squealed.

"Yeah," A. said, still eating. "I'm 17 weeks."

Seventeen weeks?

She's just now telling people at 17 weeks? (You'd never know she was knocked up, btw, due to an adorable figure and well-chosen concealing clothes. But that's a whole other post, one in which I will describe the inequities of the pregnancy bump. Or ass, in some ((ahem)) cases.)

How did she wait 17 weeks to tell?

With my first pregnancy, I called a girlfriend immediately after I'd peed on the stick. I was at home, still in the bathroom. She was at work.

"Oh my God," I shrieked. "It's positive!"

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "No way!"

(When you yell "Oh my God!" or "No way!" in a newsroom -- well, it tends to attract attention.)

The next several weeks were tortuous. Not just for me, but Hubs as well. After my first appointment, two months into the pregnancy, Hubs bounded into work waving sonogram prints.

The second time around, Hubs and I had just accepted new jobs in San Antonio when the test turned up positive.

Nervously, I called the recruiting editor.

"Um. While you guys were dilly-dallying about making an offer ... well... so were were. Dallying I mean."

Smoooooooth.

Again, I was only a couple of months along.

And A. waits 17 weeks?

I cannot imagine such discretion. Don't get me wrong -- I can keep other people's secrets. Just not my own.

And clearly Hubs is no better. When we were trying to conceive the second time, I informed him just as he was leaving for a night of poker that circumstances were ideal, if you catch my meaning. We had to do the deed RIGHT THAT VERY MINUTE. Because, you know -- the egg was waiting.

Hubs, of course, was late to the game. And rather than offer excuses, he told everyone why.

The guys were impressed. Sex on command. Right before poker. Dude.

And yet -- the pair of us cringe when imagining what the kids say about us at daycare. Because the blabber-mouth gene? It gets passed on.

A post in which I rant not so poetically

Dear Obnoxious Fellow Gym Members:

1.) The gym is not a daycare. Do you think no one notices how you sneak out -- sans children -- five minutes after signing in? Do you think no one notices that your unsupervised kids are running amok?

2.) Your child's roller skate tennis shoes? Do. Not. Belong. On. The. Basketball. Court. Or anywhere else. The senior citizen very nearly plowed down by your kid will attest to this.

3.) If your 8ish-year-old boy is capable of joking about female genitalia, then for the love of God, please recognize that HE IS TOO OLD TO BE HANGING OUT IN THE WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM.

4.) Your 8ish-year-old boy's penis? DO NOT NEED TO SEE IT. Get him out of the locker room. N-O-W.

5.) Speaking of the locker room -- the whirlpool located there is NOT a baby pool. I sit in the hot tub to relax, NOT to ensure that your 5-year-old doesn't drown.

6.) What part of: CHILDREN UNDER 15 NOT ALLOWED IN WEIGHTS AREA UNLESS SUPERVISED BY AN ADULT do you not understand? The leg press is not a toy. Get your kid off the freaking machine.

To summarize: I go to the gym to get brief break from my kids. I do not want to deal with yours. The gym offers several child-care options. Since you appear unable to control (or even watch) your kids, I suggest you start using those options like everyone else.


Sincerely,

Irate Fellow Gym Member (who also happens to be a parent)

She says. He doesn't.

Tootie comes home with a "behavior report" that says she has been flagrantly disregarding rules -- and her teacher's instructions -- this past week.

My lecture, which started on the way home: We always respect our teachers ... blah...blah...blah...if Ms. S. tells you to do something, you do it ... blah...blah...blah...if Ms. S. tells you to stop doing something, you will listen to her and STOP IT immediately...blah...blah...blah.. Every time we hear from Ms. S., you will be punished at home too ...blah...blah...blah...I want you to go to your room and think about all of this ...blah...blah...blah...Do you understand that this is unacceptable behavior and that it will NOT continue and that every time I get a note you will lose a movie and other privileges? I mean it, this will not continue... blah...blah...blah...

Hubs' lecture: Tootie, you're a sweet little girl. I want you to be a sweet little girl at school too.

*banging head against the coffee table after shooting a nail gun into my left ear and cussing profusely into a pillow*

Loving conversation between husband and premenstrual wife: Part II

Scene: Hubs and cranky wife are reclining in the living room, he on the love seat, she on the couch. Cranky wife glances over at Hubs.

Wife [in an annoyed tone]: Are you asleep?

Hubs: No. I'm just trying to avoid making eye contact. It's safer that way.

------------------------------------

And now ... for you, dear readers, so that you will better understand the ebb and flow of varying temperaments in this house:

I posted this photo last Christmas. It pretty much sums us up.



To the left: Grouchy anti-morning people, one of whom clearly hasn't had her coffee

To the right: Perky, early-rising people (note the bright eyes and ability to smile)

For full effect, click and enlarge. Note the slitted eyes on the left, the playful grins on the right?

You can see how PMS would only ... enhance ... these ... differences...

The timing ... oh, it's perfect!

Janice of Twist & Skewer awarded me this --



-- even as I verbally skewered my spouse all weekend, due to the latest bout of PMS. So can we blame him for snickering when I informed him that I'm "nice" and "thoughtful?"

I think not.

Even so.

It now falls upon me to pass on this designation to five others:

Shelly at This Eclectic Life -- because every time I read her posts, I feel as though I'm sitting on her front porch, sipping lemonade and waving lazily at the passers-by. Such a warm, cozy place. Go. Sit a spell. And...in making sure all my links are indeed linking, I see that Shelly has just received a Nice Matters award -- from someone else. Hmph. Well, she's getting two. Although, really, she probably deserves a dozen.

Nadine at hello world, it's me -- because she is so funny and just darn adorable, and because, like Shelly, she faithfully responds to each person who comments on her blog. And because even though I started reading only recently, I feel like I could drop in uninvited at Nadine's house -- should I ever make it to The Netherlands, that is -- and Nadine would just laugh and offer me a cup of coffee even as she regaled me with the latest hilarious mama-tale, such as how she mixed up skin cream and her toddler's toothpaste.

Colleen over at The Delaney Diaries -- because we are leading parallel lives, and I would like to think (delude myself?) that I am living mine just as graciously as she lives hers, both in Real Life and the blogosphere. This women works from home, while raising a toddler, battling The First Trimester That Doesn't Know Her Time is Up and negotiating cross-country trips to visit her stepkids. And through it all, she's just so ... nice. I marvel. I bow.

Paige at The Avery Lane Experience -- because I am seriously in love with her writing. Oops. Yes. I'm focusing on the niceness. Well, Paige is that too. I look forward to reading her comments on my posts because they're always witty and chatty ... and I'm just sure if I'd only known her in college, we would have been tossing back beers all cozy and chummylike, once the paper had been put to bed. And she offers recipes and foodie news, mainly from The South, which we know ranks supreme in all matters of food, whether you're looking for Cajun or a little soul cooking.

Jessica at Oh, the Joys -- because ... because ... stutter .... stutter ... OMG! Like one of the coolest, most popular bloggers out there strolls by my lunch table and ... oh, wait! OMG, she's stopping. HERE! She's sitting down ... and she said she likes my brand-new Esprit sweater! OMG!!! OK, let me tone down my geekiness and simply say that no matter what blog I visit, OTJ has already been there and left some wry or hilarious comment that I can't possibly top. Now that is nice, my friends, because -- how -- HOW? -- on earth does she find the time to visit everybody? And she doesn't just dash in and out. No, she hangs around and joins the conversation, no small feat when you know she's visited, like, 1,000 blogs already that day? *squashing any further girl-crush-inspired tendencies to gush*

OK, so I'm supposed to be done now, but ... there's still Nell at meanwhile... and Andi at Poot and Cubby and Julie at The Ravin Picture Maven... and ...omg, there's also Mrs. Chicken, have to add her, and ... all these many other funny and gracious women who are much nicer than me, even when it's their "time of the month."

Ohmigod, somebody stop the premenstrual woman from flinging more pink tulips and daisies out into the blogosphere. Remind her that it's time to go back to her natural state of shrewishness. Enough of this scary little Pollyanna scene! Somebody, get that basket of rose petals away from her before she skips on over to the next blog. Please?!

ahem

So now it's your turn to spread the niceness. From personal experience, I can say it would be really nice of you, in keeping with your inherent niceness, I mean, if you were to select a few more of those who are suffering from the monthly blues & bitchiness.

Because ain't nuthin' better than telling your frightened husband that OTHER PEOPLE don't think you're scary at all. No indeed, they think you are NICE!

(Turn and repeat to husband three times every hour and he might forget what you said to him at the pool. About the nose hairs, I mean.)

Can I go home yet?

I am now seeing a physical therapist to help manage these stupid headaches — which I still contend are a part of The Mono, but my doctor disagrees ("I've never heard of mono causing headaches.") even though my Googling clearly proves him incorrect. (got all that?)

So as I was laying on the table —

— We interrupt the following whiny post to declare one bright spot to my week — Mrs. Chicken ever so kindly awarded me this —



— and I must thank her for giving me such shiny bling!

We now resume today's lament:

OK, so —

As I was laying on the table, receiving a heavenly massage from a man named Scott, we started talking about my job as a reporter and then he starting reminiscing about how he used to be a city council member in a community near here.

I froze.

Have I interviewed this person? OMG, no wonder his name sounds familiar. How very awkward.

"Oh. Um ... when were you on the council?" I asked.

"It was a few years ago," he said. "I'm not on it anymore."

The chicken story. Eek. Is this the guy I interviewed when the city council wanted to ban pet chickens? How humiliating. How many bad puns did I put in that story anyway? Did I tell him my maiden name? I bet he doesn't know which reporter I am. Please, given that I'm naked, don't let him recognize me.

"So ... um ... what sorts of issues did you have to deal with during your term?"

Please, please, don't say chickens.


"Oh, well, there was some stuff involving the charter school. But that was about it. I was only on the council for two years."

"So, nothing about .... livestock?"

The therapist laughed, clearly puzzled.

"No. Just the school."

thankyouthankyouthankyou

On returning to the newsroom, I did a quick search through our archives. And no, I did not interview my therapist/former city councilman for the stupid chicken story. Still, his name is naggingly familiar.

I'm getting old. When I first started in this business, I remembered everybody — names, under what circumstances I had interviewed people, whatever happened to so-and-so... Now I'm lucky if I can remember the way home.

Oh, and also?

A city editor just asked me to babysit the police scanners. Have discovered I am deaf. Volume adjustment required. As a result, the scanners are now so loud that other (younger) reporters keep shooting me looks.

Just you wait, sonny. One day, you too will be going to physical therapy and wondering if the person rubbing your back used to be a source. And you too will pray that if anything explodes, you will feel the vibrations because God knows you will never hear the calls go out on the scanner.

On my way to AARP membership. 13 years and counting...

My ob/gyn's office just called. During the conversation, I said "pap smear" so loudly — presumably because of the deafness and, of course, because the scanners are blaring — that the two people in front of me just turned around. How long until I start sharing the intimate details of my digestive ailments with co-workers? Or complaining about my stiff joints and need for more fiber?

I am so glad it's Friday. Am ready to slink home.

Ah, romance...

So a few days ago, the transportation reporter — who sits across the aisle from me in the newsroom — leaned over with a grin.

"Hey, Cathy! Your husband's been asking me about that new four-lane highway that'll run from Small-Town Arkansas to Big-City Arkansas."

He laughed. Evilly.

"You moving?"

I believe I've addressed this before, my husband's fascination with rural living.

He wants to live among the pine trees.

I want to live within 15 minutes of a Target.

You see the problem.

As a former country girl, I know of what I speak: Green Acres ain't the place for me.

But Hubs continues to romanticize himself into some weird Pa Ingalls alternate universe. Trust me, I am NOT Ma material. (If any woman ever was entitled to a life of wine, mood-enhancers and hourly cussing rants, it was Caroline of the Freaking Prairie. Poor soul.)

But I digress. Back to Hubs and his romance with all things rural.

It's difficult to fight fantasy. I tell Hubs the country is ... well ... isolated and lonely and inconvenient, and I might as well be telling a 12-year-old boy that the girlie-mag models he's gawking at are air-brushed and artificially boobed.

Of course, given that I spent many years — oh hell, OK, maybe a good decade — romanticizing men, I do feel a tad hypocritical.

I give you the One-Eyed Cowboy as my most perfect example.

The year was ... geez ... maybe 1996? Or 1995? Whenever. I spent most Saturday nights at a place called Cactus Moon. (Everything you're picturing? Yeah, that. You don't, however, have to visualize the tacky sheer black bodysuit I wore with jeans. Sorry.)

Anyway, I soon became obsessed with this one particular man. He wore a black hat. Wranglers. And a black rakish eye patch.

Oh, how I swooned each time he walked in.

And then, one night, my dear friend Mel (hi, Mel!), drunkenly ordered Pirate Man to dance with me.

Now, don't ask me how I had previously imagined that Pirate Man lost his eye (duel, maybe, over a woman?), but my daydreams certainly never included — a welding accident.

Yes, indeed. As it turned out, my pirate had owned a welding company that went bust (possibly due to an inability to wield the blowtorch?). He couldn't dance. Hell, he couldn't even stand up straight because he couldn't hold his booze either. And he got offended when I didn't recognize his family's name.

(Apparently they were Odessa, Texas, high society or some such thing, so while he didn't lose an eye in a sword fight, he did, at least, lose an inheritance. Heh.)

Harlequin, I owe all my most ridiculous teenage and early-20s fantasies to you.

So there you have it. My Hubs and I are the perfect couple.

He subsists on daydreams involving unpaved roads and roaming deer herds and I ... well ... I must confess to forcing him to don a pair of Wranglers every now and then...

My life on candid camera

Long before I met and married Hubs, long before I became the constant subject of Our Domestic Documentary, I was frequently caught in embarrassing, accidental "poses" by the newspaper photographers with whom I went on assignment.

Cathy sliding down the sandhills in Monahans, holding on for dear life to her Frisbee-shaped sled?

Check.


Cathy mired up to her knees in mud during flooding in Beaumont, Texas?

Check.

Cathy falling into said mud and rolling down a hill?

Check.

And then there was my encounter with Jesse Jackson. Yes, that Jesse Jackson.

In the weeks after James Byrd Jr.'s dragging death in Jasper, Texas, the reverend came to town one day to speak to Mr. Byrd's family and city officials. A press conference was scheduled for later that day.

Minutes before the press conference was to start, TV and print reporters gathered at the appointed place. Usually, my fellow print reporters and I would sit on the ground to avoid being jostled and generally annoyed by overly aggressive television cameramen -- who are often prone to shouting "Get out of the way!" if one blocks their shot.

As per this custom, I dropped to my knees, scribbling furiously in my notebook, as Jesse Jackson stepped outside and headed our way. As I hit the asphalt, two women bystanders behind me gasped. They were there in hopes of meeting Jackson. Unaware of reporting practices, the duo apparently thought that I, too, was a spectator -- a spectator who had just been stricken by a sudden spiritual epiphany. To them, I appeared to be praying.

The media-savvy Jackson saw me drop to the ground, witnessed the women's surprise and headed over. Still writing, I didn't see his approach. So when I felt two hands on my head, I assumed it was an annoying TV cameraman and prepared to respond accordingly. ("Do you mind? Get the hell out of my way!")

You can imagine my surprise when the person touching me started praying. I looked up, and there was Jesse Jackson, who was offering up a mock blessing before the two startled women. He laughed. I stammered.

We shook hands.

All of this was recorded by the print photographers and TV cameramen, all of whom had surged forward, clicking wildly, when they saw Jesse Jackson laying hands on someone in the crowd.

My photographer, after having snapped his own series of shots, including one that showed my shock at seeing Jesse Jackson standing over me, finally informed the other media people that I was one of them, a mere reporter.

Given my experience with photographers, you'd have thought I would be prepared for marriage to one.

I wasn't. Especially when it came to childbirth.

Imagine -- you are wed to a man who lives for action shots, a man accustomed to chronicling every second of a given event.

With my first baby, I had to have an emergency C-section. Apparently, the umbilical cord we shared was freakishly long and had my baby trussed up more tightly than a calf at a Texas rodeo. (If you are pregnant and reading this and fretting, don't. This isn't a common occurrence.)

Throughout the hasty procedure, I could hear Hubs clicking away. Within hours, he had emailed a series of photos to everyone we knew.

My childhood friend, J., called a few days later.

"The pictures were great," she said. "But my parents were a little freaked out when they saw all those shots of your uterus."

Wha...???


I hadn't yet looked through the photos. Clearly, I should have done so immediately.

Um ... honey? You sent out pictures of my uterus? My womb? My sacred vessel?

Then came E-man. With him, I had a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).

And with him, I discovered that Hubs wasn't nearly finished in his efforts to humiliate. I give you this --





-- as evidence. Yes, I am in labor, as I'm sure you can tell by my grimace.

But why, you might reasonably ask, am I clutching my then-toddler daughter's plastic Halloween trick-or-treating jack'o'lantern?

Because when Hubs called our doula to tell her that we were on our way to the hospital, she advised him to line the seat with towels (in case my water broke) and to take along a container (in case I threw up.)

I stood, doubled over in our driveway, while Hubs meticulously laid down several towels. After I got into the car, he handed me the pumpkin.

"What the hell is this for?" I snapped.

"Suzanne said you might get sick on the way."

Until that moment, I had felt not a single wave of nausea. But behold, the power of suggestion. Within seconds, I was retching. And Hubs was click-click-clicking.

Don't get me wrong. It's wonderful to have all of these moments recorded. But because I am vain, and don't want your lingering image of me to be that of my pregnancy-inflated grimacing face, I offer this --




Me, when I'm not in agony. And, of course, the man rarely seen in any of our family photographs.

A few days after the E-man's birth, Tootie asked indignantly why her jack'o'lantern was in the car. Since she already resented her new little brother, we decided not to tell her Mommy had been dry-heaving into it on the way to have little E-man. And yes, we still have the pumpkin.

Queen of the munchkin babies

This subject has been bandied about in the blogosphere as of late, and, because I have some experience in birthin' itsy-bitsy youngins, I thought I'd weigh in. Heh. (sorry, sorry ... I know.)

The Toot arrived 3 1/2 weeks early. She was 5 pounds 9 ounces.

Eek.

"Oh, I just love dainty babies," the doctor said as he handed her to us.

Even in the midst of the post-birth pain/euphoria, I fixated.

Five pounds? Nine ounces?

'Scuse me, but where's my eight-pounder? Quick, put her back in -- she's not done yet!

Thankfully, I had fabulous girlfriends who, on seeing how the Toot wallowed in her newborn-sized clothes, scurried out to find premie outfits.

Other people weren't so tactful.

"Wow. I was freaked out by how small a regular newborn was," said one visitor. "I don't know what I'd done if ours had been that tiny."

Ouch.

The doctor told us we wouldn't be allowed to leave the hospital if Tootie's weight dropped below 5 pounds. The day we were discharged, she weighed in at 5 pounds, 2 ounces.

And an obsession, along with a baby, was born.

Four times a week, I hauled the Toot into a breastfeeding shop where scales were available. I charted her weight. I made sure she didn't miss a feeding, even if it meant waking her up to shove a boob into her mouth.

So I was a little ... focused. I was the kid's mother. I had every right.

Other people, however -- well, they did not. Still, they commented, often, on Tootie's size.

"She's so small," my MIL said skeptically, holding the Toot up for inspection. "And yellow."

It's called jaundice, lady. Give us a break, will ya? And she's not small. She's dainty. As in pretty.


I justified my weight obsession by telling myself that I was worried about Tootie's health.

Riiiiiight.

In actuality, I had bought into the Big is Better philosophy that makes us think any baby less than the "average" 7 1/2 pounds is inferior. Or frail. Or weak.

And yet.

The Toot shot up the growth charts. She also shot past the other babies with more impressive birth weights.

Ha.

Two years later, the E-man arrived. Nearly two weeks early.

He was only 6 pounds 12 ounces, but, compared to Tootie, I thought he was ginormous.

Until we kept bumping into elderly women who insisted on comparing my cute Lilliputian to their Gulliver-sized grandchildren.

Bragging grandmas? Shut up. I don't want to hear how your 3-month-old grandchild is bigger than my 6-month-old. And get your raggedy-cuticled finger out of my baby's mouth. Trust me, no kid is that hungry, not even my clearly malnourished tot.


Deep breath. Push aside thoughts of old women who engage in size discrimination.

The E-man remains small for his age. But I don't worry. And I'm not force-feeding him icky milkshake drinks. Small babies, big babies ... who gives a shit as long as they're healthy and growing?

Still -- If you happen see a mom with an extra-small baby, for God's sake don't natter on about how much tinier her baby is than yours. Because if she's a first-time mother, chances are she's already freaking out over her child's unexpectedly low birth weight. Spare her your smugness. Don't add to her anxiety.

Besides, judging by my Tootie's progress, birth weight isn't indicative of anything.

It took me several years to get to this point, but I'm there.

Which means if I have a third child, he/she will probably be an exceptionally big-headed baby, weighing in at 10-plus pounds, leaving me with the Grand Canyon of Hooha's.

I'll take mine on the rocks, please...

What would you do ...

... if ---

every time you visited the in-laws, your MIL spent entire days in the kitchen?

Like all day Saturday, preparing dinner for the whole clan.

And then again on Sunday, preparing a second dinner for the whole clan.

Because I'm the only family member (read: female) who's present during these elaborate preparations, I either spend my whole day in the kitchen -- "helping" -- or feeling like a lazy slob if I stay out of her way.

I don't mind cooking. Sometimes, I rather like mucking about in the kitchen, experimenting with new recipes. Most days, however, I would liken my efficiency in the kitchen to that practiced by women -- compared to men -- in the bathroom.

We go in when we have to go. If we don't need to go, we get off the toilet and exit.

Hubs, on the other hand, has read entire novels in the bathroom. He completes crossword puzzles. Contemplates world peace.

Which is we have the same argument every morning.

"Are you done in there yet?"

"Noooooo..."

"OK, either you have to go or you don't. So finish already!"

Which is wanted I wanted to yell on Sunday afternoon as MIL continued to labor in the kitchen. I wanted to wave the --- hey, what sort of kitchen tool am I allegedly using here? -- and yell, "Please, for the love of God, just finish already!!"

She starts puttering right after breakfast. We don't have lunch, because MIL is cooking and we are having a BIG dinner.

By 3 p.m., she's still going, muttering that if BIL and his wife, Perfect Linda, are late again, everything will be cold.

4 p.m. Still cooking. Still no BIL and clan.

By this time, chances are good she will have given me some task that involves sharp implements. She has clearly forgotten my amusing story about how I sliced off the tip of my finger while using a cheese grater just before a friend's baby shower. (I bled all over the hor'dourves.)

5 p.m. Still cooking. Still no BIL and clan. (But no blood.)

6 p.m. BIL and Perfect Linda arrive, along with two or three of her kids, BIL's four kids and two of his grandbabies.

Perfect Linda has it made She shows up with with macaroni and dessert -- and two babies -- and MIL fawns all over her.

They're three hours late? No problem.

By this time, I've spent the whole day drifting in and out of the kitchen, trying to decide if I'm of any use whatsoever or just a nuisance.

But back to Perfect Linda.

She's good. Real good. I remain in awe of her ability to deal with the in-laws. (I mean this in a complimentary way.)

For months after Perfect Linda and BIL married, I marveled at her serene demeanor each time they came over to the in-laws.

I mean -- hello?! Six kids and two grandchildren in tow! Is she popping Valium? Did BIL bring her back from Stepford? WTF?

Then I caught her adding bourbon to a fast-food Styrofoam cup she'd brought with her and all became clear.

Why do I admire this tactic?

Well, because MIL doesn't drink. And she doesn't really approve of other people drinking. Especially women.

Still, each night, around 8 p.m., the men -- Hubs, the two BILs and their dad -- mix up bourbon & cokes. Usually, Hubs smuggles me a glass and I sip on it discreetly, hoping MIL will think it's just plain coke.

Once, however, I made the mistake of asking younger BIL to make me a drink.

"You like bourbon?" he asked incredulously. "I don't know any women who drink bourbon."

I found BIL's amazement to be both sexist and expressed too loudly.

I refrained from telling him to use his Inside Voice.

I refrained from mentioning that time I caught Perfect Linda pouring a splash of bourbon -- OK, more like a freaking waterfall -- into the Styrofoam cup.

I refrained from mentioning that Perfect Linda waits til no one's looking and then sneaks sips, looooonng, deeeeeep sips, from older BIL's drink.

Instead, feeling the curious stares of the clan members, I simply nodded.

That's when Hubs chimed in. "Oh, yeah, she makes drinks stronger than I do."

That Hubs lived to make another visit to his mother's house is truly a testament to my self-restraint.

This weekend, after the men made their drinks, I just went and fixed my own. I figured since I'd already spent the whole damn day wandering in and out of the kitchen, no one would notice.

Unless I managed to wound myself with the ice pick.

Earlier in-law post deleted...

... for obvious reasons. But I do have stories from this weekend. Later. After I've recovered from the drive home.

********************

In other news, I spent last night baby-hogging an adorable 4-week-old boy.

I wanted to take him home... or maybe make another one of my own.

... until my daughter and son -- functioning on too little sleep and entirely too much sugar -- threw the Mother of all Temper Tantrums, jointly, no less, when I put them to bed. The shrieking!!!! The screaming!!!!!

And any thoughts of tossing out my birth control pills evaporated -- pooooof!

I love my two little stinkers dearly. I do.

But last night I could have labeled and marketed them as 100-percent-effective contraceptives.

24 more hours to go ... I am such a wuss

Well, the cat is no longer around. Not sure what happened and am somewhat afraid to ask as the last time I inquired about a missing pet, I learned that my favorite dog (one that belonged to BIL) had been shot. Something about how it interfered with deer hunting.

I'm a devoted dog person. Not so fond of cats (I don't think they were ever meant to be domesticated and kept as pets) but still... despite the cat's anti-social behavior toward any other living breathing creature, I don't want to know if it, too, met an untimely fate.

I'm now feeling a touch guilty about my previous ranting post.

It's true I dread these visits -- I feel very out of place -- but still... I should probably be more patient.

Or, if all else fails, constantly drunk.

I'm on dial-up ... let's bet on how long it takes for this to post.

My new BFFs ... and no, they're not from BlogHer

We bonded, John and I, over a short-term disability plan.

Then we moved on to accident policies and cancer family coverage.

By the time Hubs discovered us, John and I were engrossed in a comparison of all our various relatives who learned too late the importance of abundant insurance.

"Um ... what exactly are we signing up for here?" Hubs inquired.

Translation: What bizarre disease or worst-case scenario have you fixated on now, you hopeless, neurotic hypochondriac?"

I lovingly slid the glossy brochures across the table. "See? If we get this and this and this and this, I promise to quit nagging you about additional life insurance."

Hubs grimaced.

"What are the rates?" he asked my new bestest friend.

As John began to explain our many options, my dear spouse shot me a look.

Translation: I knew I never should have let you attend an insurance sales pitch unsupervised.

The proposed changes to our plan remain a matter of negotiation. No problem. I have BFF John's phone number and email address. We can resume our morbid imaginings at any time, with or without Hubs' approval. John nods sagely when I describe all my what-ifs. He doesn't mock me. No indeed. He loves my adorable paranoid tendencies.

And of course, the glowing red letters stamped across my forehead: Sell me a policy, baby.

John isn't my only new friend this week.

Yesterday, I met Cindy, a no-nonsense grandmotherly-looking type who strode into a small private room at the gym and asked, "So, what seems to be the problem?"

I told her all about my horrible headaches -- possibly tension (or a brain tumor ... or meningitis ... or encephalitis) -- that have accompanied The Mono.

She nodded sympathetically and asked me for more details. Naturally, since I'm married to a man who snorts when I describe my various ailments, I was ever so happy to oblige.

And then Cindy went to work. She did things to my head, shoulders and back that...

... well, let's just say I want to take Cindy home and install her in my bedroom so that she can pummel me to sleep each night.

I think I love her.

Maybe even more than John.