Let's say you love to deer hunt, so much so that this really isn't a hobby, but more of an obsession.
Let's say the last time you had a conversation with your wife was, say, Friday evening, as you hurried out the door for the deer woods.
Acceptable: Calling the wife after you get to your destination.
Not acceptable: Calling periodically over a 48-hour period and leaving messages for your wife on voicemail. Because you refuse to use a landline, even though numerous phones are available at various relatives' homes, your messages -- delivered from an area with virtually no cell service -- are barely understandable.
"Hey! It's [crackle, buzz, static] me! Got a [crackle] 7-point this [buzz] morning! Going [static] back out this evening. Bye!"
"Hey, [crackle, static, buzz], it's me! Saw two doe today [crackle] Going back out [buzz] this [static] evening! Bye!"
Let's just say your wife is at home with two children who are both suffering from nasty head colds. Between them, they've produced 12 gallons of snot and are not sleeping well at night due to hacking coughs. Your wife also is not sleeping well because when she's not tending to the children, she's up at 2 a.m. Googling "whooping cough" and "TB." Or she's listening to a large animal scuttle through the attic.
If these are the circumstances, you should not be surprised to call home and get the following greeting on voicemail:
"Hubs, if this is you, call me on a damn landline. Your cell phone isn't working. If this is anyone else, please leave a message and I'll call you back."
Tonight, for the first time in said 48-hour period, I had a real, live two-way conversation with The Deer Hunter. It went something like this:
"So today I saw one doe and --"
"Honey, just a bit of context: I'm at home with two sick children and a wild animal is throwing nightly frat parties in our attic. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY DOES YOU SAW IN THE DEER WOODS! They're DEER WOODS! That means there are DEER! DUH! So enough about the damn does. Let's talk about the Bud-swigging raccoon hanging out over our bedroom."
"The kids are sick?"
"Grr."
"What animal?"
(Lengthy description of children's illness and the competing racket from our mouse-turned-rat-turned-raccoon-or-gasp!-possum ensues.)
"Oh. Well, here's what I would do. Just pull down the trapdoor to the attic and leave it open for awhile so whatever it is can hear people beneath it. That'll scare it away. Or you could go up there and turn on the light, maybe hang out up there and yell a little."
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! ---
"Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't I just invite it down for tea and crumpets on the off-chance that it's not carnivorous?"
"Oh. So I guess we won't be having sex first thing when I walk through the door?"
Click.
16 comments:
Smart man, your husband - working that one out.
In fact, I think this is the perfect opportunity where sexual gratification can be linked to parenting. He might get lucky if he gives you some QUALITY time off. Some time. When he has potted the possum in the roof, too.
I always threaten V that if he hasn't found fish by 11, he had better be home - but we are still in our courting years, so the fish haven't lured him out there...
Did you marry my husband?
Oh.
Wow.
I can't believe he even used the word sex in conversation. That means that something about gallons of snot or the family being devoured by a wild thing made him think of nooky and he just ratted himself out!
I seriously don't understand how they can be so dense sometimes. *shakes her head*
Men... geezee.
sighs.
Jillian
Oh LOL!
Sometimes I sort of fantasize that when those emails come in and say, "Want to make your girlfriend the happiest woman on the planet" they weren't spam for some stupid penile enhancement product. That they were, instead, a heads-up for the X-deficient of the species, so that when said Y-disabled person opened the message it had great tips like:
"A marriage contract is not a sex guarantee. Women require continual wooing and seduction. Post-partum this can include:
* taking the children away for a day to give mom alone time,
* back and foot rubs,
* actually putting your dirty clothes in the hamper
* washing the dishes in the sink without being asked
* no whining for an entire week about being asked to do household chores
This will woo your lady better than any dozen roses!
Good luck, gentlemen! Signed: Helpful person with no association to any pharmaceutical company"
I find it very telling that advertisements that simply consider a larger male organ the key to female joy in a relationship are actually considered successful marketing.
Julie
Using My Words
You actually got him to talk to you during deer season? Wow! I'm impressed.
Click. Exactly!
Replace "deer hunting" with "academic conference in Iowa" and you've got my life to a T.
Minus the animal. We just have an invasion of crickets.
*snort*
"Oh. So I guess we won't be having sex first thing when I walk through the door?"
Here's what I need to enjoy sex:
A lot of rest.
A shower.
A meal.
A glass of wine.
2 hours beforehand not being in Mommy-mode, and the guarantee for two hours afterwards that I won't have to be in Mommy-mode.
Here's what my husband needs to enjoy sex:
a penis
any time ending in "o'clock"
It's a wonder I ever got pregnant with a third child.
Perfect post.
You're funny when you're mad!
He really said that? Jeez.
I think it's the hunting. It changes a man's brain.
Husband doesn't hunt, but my Dad did. I remember many an argument over that, particularly since opening weekend always fell on my sister's birthday.
Also, my BIL hunts, and he always has a big hunting thing on Thanksgiving. We ALWAYS end up waiting the meal for him. I would have put a stop to that years ago, but for some reason SIL puts up with it.
Egads I'm glad husband is not a hunter.
I hope he leaves his hunting rifle outside when he comes home or I fear he'll end up being hubby without gonads.
We already know his brain diesn't work too well. Snort.
Hang in there Cath!!!
OMG Hysterical! Leave the trapdoor open... HA! OMG; laughing too hard! Men!
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