Some women wish a period on their husbands.
But me?
I want mine to experience one bout with allergies and a really good, debilitating sinus infection.
Hubs doesn't "believe" in allergies.
He says otherwise, but I know.
When I talk about the crushing pain above my eyes, or how my nose feels like it was hit by a 90-mph softball, he gets this ... look...
... the same one he gets when he sees me clutching handfuls of Benedryl or hears me asking if anyone has ever had 20 cortisone shots in one year and could they really be that bad for you...?
An Arkansas autumn is lovely -- if you aren't one of the few praying for the first freeze that will KILL EVERYTHING ALL DEAD BECAUSE OMG YOU ARE FREAKING MISERABLE.
But Hubs? He doesn't understand my misery because he has the almighty immune system that exempts him from all colds, flus, bad eyesight, bad teeth, and, of course, allergies.
The closest I ever came to leaving this genetically superior being was the year of the Very Real-Live Christmas Tree.
Foot surgery left me trapped in our house for two weeks -- all alone with the most fragrant tree ever put on this earth. I hated the tree. I fantasized about setting fire to it. Each day, I counted dead needles on the floor, gloating as they grew in number.
"I don't smell anything," Hubs said each night as I ranted and raved and hacked from my spot on the couch.
He smiled benignly as I shook my crutches threateningly.
If it hadn't been for the mind-numbing painkillers -- and the fact that I was totally crippled -- I would have hauled that blasted thing to the curb and made s'mores over its burning remains.
For the past five years, Hubs has pouted as he assembles our artificial, non-smelly tree. For the past week, he's raised annoying eyebrows when I complain about sinus pressure and constant sneezing. This annoying habit of his, coupled with my misery, led to a little argument this evening and I'm currently not speaking to him.
Which is why, at this very minute, I find myself in a bit of a quandry:
We have a mouse in our house. And 30 minutes ago, I could have sworn I heard the trap go off. Hubs is already in bed, presumably asleep. Or maybe just not speaking to me. Whatever.
Pride dictates that I will not break the silence or acknowledge The Allergy Skeptic until morning. But there is, quite possibly, a wounded or dead mouse in the cupboard beneath our kitchen sink.
I do not like mice, especially dead mice.
On the other hand, my principles -- the integrity of all allergy sufferers -- is at stake.
Then again, it might be -- dare I say? -- enjoyable waking up my spouse to inform him of his rodent-removal duties.
I'll think on it. After I take my next dose of antibiotics and indulge in a mentho-scented steam bath.
I'm not the one, after all, who will be able to smell a dead mouse. Ha.
16 comments:
You know, I would have wished a period on most men, but I like yours MUCH better!! This was too funny!
This was just hilarious!
You describe our 'arguments' to a T!
And the FRUSTRATION that comes with living with someone who thinks he KNOWS. When he clearly has no idea. Argh!
I hope your allergies get better soon! And that your hubster enjoyed waking up to a dead mouse (yuck), and that you are now mouse-free!
- Heidi
I may visit Arkansas soom just so I can smack your dh upside the head! I've had 2 sinus infections in 3 months and constant allergies as well. One can be allergic to mouse dropping as well. (evilgrin) Don't gorget to tell him that.
a pox upon his mucous membrane! The Boy thought I was BS'ing about how horrendous migraines are until he had one. *insert evil laugh here*
I think, if I were in a position like yours, I might start NOT believing in putting out.
Tit for tat.
Ha!
i just want my husband to do bedtime for all three kids. just once.
Ugh, you have my sympathies. I have allergies and athsma, and while I love fall in theory, in practice it's a serious pain in my head.
Allergies suck.
Oh, its good you didn't set fire to the tree - the smoke would have hurt your head too.
Sister I hear you with the allergies. And there have been times...almighty times...when I have hoped he who has man parts would suffer the hell I endure.
Be strong, for I will be strong with you. Surely a freeze is on its way...
How do you not believe in allergies? How very odd. You have my sympathies (about that and the mouse thing).
I'm so sorry. I've just begun to go back in my kitchen after having caught two of the little nasties. I'll hope you only have one and that your husband is as gracious about disposing of them as mine is.
Maybe you could just tape a note to his sleeping forehead alerting him to the mouse. That way, you don't have to break your silence and he'll take care of the rodent!
My husband doesn't "believe" in chronic back pain from a car accident and messed-up pelvis.
Lots and lots of zyrtec, my friend.
I feel for you! I don't have allergies, but my husband 'decided' that morning sickness was all in my head and refused to get up with our 3 year old. I spent 12 weeks throwing up in the kitchen sink when the smell from making breakfast became too much. Good luck getting rid of the mouse - I am terrified too, and made hubby get up at 5:30 one day last week just to check the trap before I went downstairs.
Hysterical! I'm dying to know what happened. But for future reference, I've kept a mouse - dead - under the kitchen sink for a FEW DAYS. (My husband was away, and I, certainly, wasn't going near it.) They're small. They won't start smelling right away. So you definitely have a night, easy.
LOL - you crack me up!
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