Son is turning 3. In a fit of masochistic insanity, I invite 50 or so children to our house. It is February, too cold to go outside, so we are all crammed inside. The children, of course, are accompanied by their parents because these days birthday parties are a freaking family event.
I have forgotten to buy food. The cake is too small to feed everyone. My house is a sty and I haven't even showered when people start arriving. As 50 hungry toddlers run amok and their parents stand in clusters whispering about my maternal ineptitude, Hubs is making a frantic dash to the store to buy frozen corndogs.
Doesn't take a genius to interpret this one.
Don't get me wrong -- I love hosting adult parties. Hubs throws on a pot of his famous deer chili, I pick out the music and all is well. But the attendees are my newsroom friends. And yes, while several of them are parents, they aren't SCARY PARENTS.
SCARY PARENTS: Non-cussing people who judge.
I've got a few more years before son's birthday is an issue. But my daughter is in preK, which means she and all her little classmates are in the throes of birthday fever.
That means not only do I have to GO to parties, I am expected to HOST one.
Ack.
I keep mulling my options. We live in a small, older house that still boasts the original 1950 toilet. I don't want to fill it (the house, not the toilet) with a bunch of people I don't know. Who don't cuss. Nor do I want the stress of cleaning and preparing so that all these SCARY PARENTS who I'm just positive live in big cookie-cutter houses with lots of taupe walls can come over and judge.
(Not that there's anything wrong with big cookie-cutter houses or taupe walls. It's just that people who occupy them might be a little taken aback by our cramped quarters and the ... cheeriness ... of our kitchen, which is painted a brilliant turquoise. The previous homeowner, reportedly a very jolly gay bachelor who adored blue, went a little color-crazy in the kitchen. I'm too lazy to repaint it. And, besides, it's kind of grown on me.)
Note turquoise wall to the left of toddler tearing apart kitchen. See? Very turquoise.
At the same time, we can't afford a party at one of those inflatable jumplands or *shudder* those places created just for this sort of affair -- Wonder-this-or-that.
I am NOT G*MB**EE material. I hate places that make me sing children's songs and hold hands with all the other adults. And while I love going barefoot at home, I prefer to keep my shoes on in public places, thankyouverymuch.
So I keep wondering, could I send out an invitation that reads like this?
TOOTIE's TURNING 5!!
When: Too soon
Where: Our house
PARENTS NOT WELCOME!
DROP OFF YOUR KID AND GO AWAY SO THAT I CAN CUSS FREELY AND DRINK WINE WHILE TEN PRESCHOOLERS DECIMATE MY HOUSE.
(Oh yeah -- forgot to mention the exceedingly pink bathroom. Welcome, Taupe People!)
14 comments:
Oh, I wouldn't go so far as to say turquoise...perhaps periwinkel?
You are killin me.
This is why I don't belong to or host any playgroups, sadly. Our house is TINY. We love it and plan to add on one day but for now it barely holds the three of us, let alone baby #2 who will be here shortly. I can't imagine any Taupe-ees hanging here. Although, it would make for some seriously good blog fodder...
LOL> I have had those nightmares... It feels so competitive - the world of children's birthdays. Each mom trying to out do another.
It's insane. We've taken to only doing parties at home for our 5 year old and we keep 'em simple. Now that he is in school and his friends list is growing... I'm not sure how it'll play out... Your ar eright though.. the worst part is the parents..lol
Great post!
You know what?
you don't have to have a big party.Screw it. Give em a choice - big present or party.
It'll prep em to want to take your money and elope later.
"SCARY PARENTS: Non-cussing people who judge. "
Sheer genius!
Heidi :)
It does look more periwinkle to me. I like it actually, but then again, I live in colorful house with different colors in every room. Also older, also cramped, and sadly, slightly past the era where it would have personality beyond "not a mcnew mchouse."
But you are cracking me up. I can so relate. Noncussers from taupe new houses who judge. LOL
Julie
Using My Words
I really like the blue walls! Our walls were totally taupe when we moved into our cookie cutter house (we aren't all bad!), but we only have one beige hallway left now. It will be painted when my laziness wears off!
We had Punkin's 3rd birthday party at our sub's clubhouse/pool. That way the kids could swim and I didn't have to plan any activities. Plus it was cheap, cheap, cheap. Have it at a park and tell everyone to dress warmly! You won't have to worry about them overstaying their welcome if it's nice and cold!
Love the blue!
As for b-day parties my son's is this Saturday and just thinking of all that needs to be done is giving me hives! Not to mentiion it makes me nervous to be hosting a bunch of people.
How many more years will I have to endure this stress?
Good luck to you,
Maybe you can party in shifts!
I would be happy to send you my Pit Bull-Beagle mix. She's good for fighting off the undesirables at our parties.
Love the pink bathroom, btw...
You have it all wrong... you DO want them in the toilet! ;)
But yeah, I hear you on the birthdays. Most parents will go away, won't they? Except for the one or two overprotective ones who will be too busy noticing Susie is smooshing their Lucy to notice that your walls actually look quite cool...
Haha! Great post! And I LOVE the turquoise wall.
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