Marital discord, with a dash of humor

SCENE: Our home, just before the children's bedtime.

TOOTIE: Mommy! Now you be the Tickle Monster!

CATHY: Mommy can't be the Tickle Monster, sweetie. Mommy's sick. Mommy has a tick-bourne disease.

Loud, rude snort from Hubs.

HUBS: You do NOT have Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.

CATHY: I didn't say I had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. The doctor did. I hadn't even considered a parasitical sort of infection. I thought maybe I had a brain aneurysm.

HUBS: He ordered a blood test.

CATHY: Yes, and he also gave me antibiotics.

HUBS: He's covering the bases.

CATHY: I have all the symptoms...

HUBS: Yeah, once he said that might be what it was. Then you had all the symptoms.

CATHY: I didn't even know what the symptoms were. It's been at least six or seven years since I last Googled tick-related illnesses. Like, before we were even married.

HUBS: (Spluttering) You want to have Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Because then you'll finally be able to say that you really had something. You are reveling in this.

CATHY: I am NOT reveling. I am ill. I merely feel vindicated.

Now we will pause so that, in my defense, I can share the details of today's visit to the doctor.

NURSE: So, what seems to be the problem?

CATHY: Well, I'm not really sure. I just know that I'm sick.

NURSE: Could you be more specific?

CATHY: OK, well, on Memorial Day weekend, I had this awful headache that lasted for three days. I thought maybe it was sinus-related. But ever since then, I keep running a fever and having chills. I'm exhausted. And I keep feeling nauseated. I just came in because I figured if I have a fever, I must be fighting off something, and we're going out of town and I don't want to be sick the whole time. I don't know -- maybe I have a bladder infection or something ... ?

NURSE: Have you had pain down there?

CATHY: No, but the last time I felt this crappy, that's what it turned out to be.

The nurse collects a urine sample. Negative. The nurse takes Cathy's temperature and confirms, that yes, indeed, she is running a fever. HA! Doctor then enters and Cathy repeats the above details.

DOCTOR: Have you had any bites lately? You know, ticks? Or a rash?

CATHY: Gosh, I don't know. I mean, I get insect bites all the time. We do a lot of things outside. But I haven't found any ticks.

DOCTOR: (ominously) Well, people don't always realize they've been bitten by a tick. I'm sure you probably check your children, but don't always think to check yourself.

CATHY: Ummmmmm....

DOCTOR: We've had a few cases lately of tick-related illnesses. I think we'd better start some antibiotics, and I want you to run get a blood test.

CATHY: Ummmmm...

DOCTOR: What you've just described sounds an awful lot like Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.

We now resume this evening's debate.

... HUBS: ... And you just threw up your arms and said, "YES! That's it! I have Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever!"

CATHY: No, actually, I was a little skeptical at first. Until I got back to the newsroom and looked up the symptoms.

HUBS: And you had every one of them.

CATHY: As a matter of fact, I did. I DO. I feel like shit. And now I know why.

HUBS: Rolls eyes.

CATHY: You just don't want me to have Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever because that trumps any pitiful cold or flu you've ever used as an excuse for being too sick to do something. Because if I have Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, that means that for the last 10 days, I have been working and caring for children while suffering from a disease that lands many people in the hospital.

It means, buddy, that I AM WOMAN.

Update: Karma. Either A.) The mystery illness has gotten worse; B.) This medication has unpleasant side effects; or C.) I should not have been so smug. Long night ahead. This fucking sucks.