Grocery shopping: Exercise in humiliation

So you decide to do the weekly shopping after the gym, and you figure both kids are in a good mood -- so why not take them with you?

And only after you've been caught talking to yourself -- because the grocery store recently started playing Easy Listening Music and today's current selection is the theme to The Young and the Restless -- ("Don't worry, guys, this'll be a quick trip because this hideous music is going to drive Mama crazy.) -- by a young guy who snickers --

-- and after your son develops a neon-green ring around his mouth from the fruit rollup, fruit snacks and Yogos you've plied him with just to keep the peace --

-- and after you crash into a battery display because the children insisted that they had to ride in one of the car-carts -- "The RED car, Mommy!" -- and the damn things are so much longer and difficult to maneuver --

-- and after your daughter narrates the collision -- "Mommy, why did you run into that? What were those? Did you break them? What are those on the floor?" --

-- and after all the customers in the checkout line jump and turn to see what led to the mighty crash and see a frazzled-looking woman with wet hair and wild eyes --

-- and after you look down and notice that your son is holding an open box of frozen fish fillets and also that he is GNAWING on one, and all you can think about is how you just posted on your blog a month or so ago about a guy who was letting his baby chew on a bloody steak package and, oh, what a hypocrite you are --

-- only after all of this, as you pry rock-solid fish from your 2-year-old's fingers, laughing maniacally out of embarrassment, does your 4-year-old daughter say, "Mommy, baby brothers are silly. I want you to have a baby girl."

And you laugh even harder and flush a deep red, because by now everyone in line has watched you wrest away a fillet from your youngest, and from their expressions they think it's pretty clear that you can't handle the two you have, so you say, "Oh, sweetie, I don't think Mommy's about to produce another baby just yet" -- and the cashier is doubled over, holding her stomach because she's laughing so hard, as your green-faced toddler son beams beatifically and your ever-talkative daughter opens a discussion on how women with big bellies always have babies inside them...and you get the impression she's referring to your belly by the way others are staring...

Next time I will shop at midnight -- alone and hooded.

At a different store.

In another freaking city...

...where they don't play soap opera themes.