My husband's grandmother died a few days ago. Her funeral was at 1 p.m. today.
We took the kids to daycare/preK as usual. When we arrived at the service, people kept asking where the children were. At one point, I began to wonder if we had been expected to bring them.
Why didn't we?
Well, this is what I imagine would have happened.
"Mommy, why is Grandma Liz in that box?"
"Is she sleeping?"
"No, E-man. I think she's dead. She has lots of wrinkles. People with lots of wrinkles die."
"Wake up! You 'wake?!"
"Mommy, she's not waking up!"
Etc...
Grandma Liz was nearly 90 and suffered from Alzheimer's. I knew the funeral would be attended by older family members and seniors from her church. I couldn't imagine them wanting to hear the above conversation during an instrumental of Amazing Grace.
But then people kept asking. And my husband's nephew brought his 8-month-old baby.
I still think we made the right call. But I'm interested in other people's thoughts on this.
Kids at funerals? Yes? No?
If yes, at what age?
26 comments:
I went to my grandmother's funeral when I was 14...that was ok for me to handle
I went to my cousin's funeral at 8. Not so much, I was inconsolable.
I would have to say no to young kids at a funneral. I would agree with the previous poster and say 13-14 years old, ok. Any younger, probably not. It's too much for younger children.
I think there's a huge difference between bringing a baby who's unaware of his/her surroundings, and a couple of toddlers who are aware but do not yet have the maturity to make sense of a situation such as a funeral. Handled the wrong way, a funeral could even traumatize them, in my opinion.
So I would absolutely have done the same as you. And I find it odd that people even had to ask. I mean, even if you feel otherwise, a funeral is such a difficult occasion, families should be allowed to make the decision that is right for them.
My condolences to you, your husband and his family.
Heidi
My father's funeral is in two weeks. My little inner Mommy voice isn't sure that the kid should attend something involving death, Taps and a 21-gun salute.
My husband sees this differently.
I wish I knew the answer.
My condolences to you and your family! I think I would not take the kids until they are closer to 8 or 10 years old.
Mine are 6 and 3. I wouldn't have taken them either.
There are a lot of things that they will experience later that I'd like to shelter them from now.
Until their little brains can comprehend the world a little better.
I took Alex to my uncle's funeral when he was 8 months old - but then he's still nursing and there was no sitter. Generally speaking I either take him with me or I just don't go. You chose to not disrupt your kids routine for something that didn't need to happen - I would have made the same choice.
My aunt died when I was 15. My mother refused to allow me at the viewing.
We had a memorial service for my youngest and both brothers were in attendance but Brennan's body was not there, we ended up cremating him. I get the heebie jeebies thinking of my infant underground.
Unless it's a very close relative and the child wants to go, I would not take them.
I've done both. If they are very little - too little to remember, and can behave, no problem. Most recently, when my grandfather passed, I took them to the viewing (but not in the room, they saw anyway, and informed me that Grandpa was NOT in heaven, I saw him in that room over there! UGH) However, I took them to daycare for his funeral, and picked them up for family obligations afterward.
It's your call, and there's no "right" answer. It depends on if you think the child can handle it, how old they are, their personality, how much explaining you want to do, in other words, who knows what the right answer is? Same as all other parental decisions. lol.
I'm sorry for your family's loss.
I'm sorry for you all's loss, firt off. Secondly, I think that it is okay to take kids to funerals, but only if they are old enough to understand or capable of dealing with the situation and the loss - you know. It's not a "fun" place for grown-ups, let alone little ones.
Take care - Kellan
I'm sorry for your family's loss.
My MIL passed away recently and everyone wanted my 3 yr old grandson at the funeral. I did not take him. He went to daycare. In my opinion they are too young to understand and it might scare them.
My grandmother died when I was nine, and I went to both a viewing and the funeral. They made me kiss my grandmother's cold face. I don't think I've been okay with death or funerals since.
My mom died when I was twelve; after her services, I have balked and avoided funerals and memorial services wherever possible.
From my own experiences, I would say no. Only because that is such a huge concept to process, filled with the absolute certainty that they will never see their loved one on this plane again, and why introduce that into their lives in such a concrete way? If they don't go, you can pick the times that this conversation takes place, rather than having the scenario you pictured.
For the most part, I would say no. But it depends on the situation.
My husband's grandmother, whom our daughter is named for, passed away when our littlest was just over 3 -- we had to travel to be with what little family we have left and it was expected that the kids would attend the funeral.
That being said, there was also a "viewing." No 3-year-old was going in to see her dead GG. No way. My sons were 8 and 9 at the time and we talked about it with them and they weren't ready.
I was horribly on edge during the entire service and also very pissed because I was the only parent keeping ALL THE KIDS occupied while my SIL ignored her daughter. It drove me nuts. Everyone said how important it was that the other generation was there, how much it meant to them, but to me, I would have rather found a sitter . . . if that had been possible. The older boys were fine, and well-behaved, but you can't expect toddlers to understand that and no amount of M&M's were going to keep them quiet!
Sorry to ramble, but my Father-in-law passed away when I was pregnant with Katie . . . the boys were 4 & 6 then and his service was outside during the summer at a park.
They were there, it was their grandfather - it was short and very sweet and their presence meant a lot to my husband, I don't think he would have made it through the service without us.
But I still think, no, unless it's someone close like this or you know you're kids are ready.
I am so sorry for your family's loss.
Funerals are an important family event. Children should be given the chance to be there. Of course they ask questions - so do we: the fact that we don't have any answers is part of the mystery. Why deny children the chance to learn about real caring family death - not just the virtual deaths they watch on every TV programme and video game?
If you need to ask a friend to look after them during the service, do this. But better, give them a role to play in the ceremony - light a candle (with adult help!) or blow it out by themselves..... put a flower on the coffin, and enjoy riding in the limousine. Worried about them seeing you cry? Don't be. It's all part of them knowing that we grown ups too are real - or at least doing our best to be.
Great question you pose - I urge most responders to re-consider.
Best wishes
James
I took my girls to a wake last year which I didn't realize was going to be an open casket affair. They were 5 and 2 at the time and Matilda was very interested in the body. She saw everyone going up and standing by the coffin to say a prayer and wanted to do it too, and she did, and it was fine. The hard part was trying to get them to stay still-ish once the novelty of where we were had worn off. I have issues with being the mother of the wild and out of control children in public.
While I chose to take my kids, I totally understand not taking them, I think it's a very personal decision and that there's no right or wrong answer.
My dad died eight years ago, so my daughter would have been nine when we had the funeral. My two oldest have gone to all the funerals in our family, my youngest doesn't do well with crowds and doesn't understand the concept of death.
I want my kids to understand that we all die and that death is a natural part of life. They don't seem to have suffered any ill effects as a result of it. And strange as it may seem, hearing a young child's conversation like you described at a funeral probably wouldn't upset anybody, just make them smile. The best funeral I ever went to was for a lovely friend of my mothers, we laughed throughout the ceremony, everyone did. It truly was a celebration of her life.
For my funeral I want lots of laughter, and dirty jokes of course.
When my grandmother passed away, my cousin's son (a great-grandson) proclaimed very loudly during the funeral service "But I don't want her to be dead! Get her out of that box!" That sent off of us into extreme weeping.
Yes, I think you made the right decision.
I'm with you - no way would I bring young kids to a funeral! (An 8-month old isn't the same thing!)
It is the sort of question where there is no right or wrong. It is one of those mother calls that whatever you chose is the right choice for you.
My daughter's father died just before she was two. I did not take her to the funeral. Everyone there had overwhelming grief, and she had enough to deal with without the whole Catholic rituals and liturgy.
Afterwards, she did come back to the family for the wake and was much cossetted.
We have been to the grave many times over the years, and that is her moment to ask all the questions that she wants - but in terms of my own grief I am glad I did not have to be in charge of a toddler at the same time.
I think you absolutely made the right decision! At that age they are just not able to process what is going on, it could be disturbing & also (like you said) disruptive to the people around you.
An infant has no idea what is going on.
Good for you for protecting them from an unnecessary stress. And my condolences on your loss.
You made the right call.
I wasn't allowed at my father's funeral when I was 4.
I think understanding death takes an older child's mind and maybe a few fish flushes before they can handle a real funeral.
I believe you need to work kids up to them, you know?
My husband have a hard and fast rules about funerals. We don't bring children to them. Period. Unless they are infants and by infants I mean 12 months old or younger. A baby can help bring joy to a miserable event (if it's not a shrieking demon.)
However, when my son died and Fric and Frac were 8 and 9, we made an exception to that rule. He was their brother and they needed a chance to say good bye to them. We prepped them BIG time for what was in store for them and they did all right. As well as could be expected.
That said, they won't be attending any more funerals until they are into their teens.
I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Hmm. I think if it was a close family member, I would bring my almost-eight yr old Boy. He's wise and mature for his years, and I suspect he would feel terribly left out, which would bring more questions. I wouldn't bring my four yr old Girl (I probably wouldn't bring her even if she were eight...)
I think you made the right call, fwiw.
Huh, I really don't know. Maybe it depends on the child, and the closeness to the person who died?
I'm sorry Grandma Liz has passed away.
I think it really depends on the kids. My uncle recently passed away and I took my 2 year old to the funeral but not my 7 year old. I knew that the little one would be fine but that it would be too much for the older one. I think this is one of these situations where there's no "right" answer, just a "what feels right" answer.
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