1. Decide it's time to take down the artificial Christmas tree.
2. Remove ornaments and light. Ignore nervous looks from your almost-2-year-old son.
3. Remove top quarter of the tree. Ignore how son sidles to the front door.
4. As tree leans precariously, grapple with second piece to be removed. Jump as toddler screams in horror.
5. Lay decapitated tree across coffee table and try to console son, who only screams louder at the sight of his desecrated, topless, horizontal Christmas tree.
6. Try again to pull apart remaining halves. Ignore screams. The sooner the tree is gone, the sooner he'll forget all about this.
7. While using your more tame array of cuss words (crap, hell, dammit), lug tree through the living room door, down the hallway as toddler's screams grow even louder.
8. Pull vainly on tree as it becomes stuck in bedroom doorway.
9. Hurtle across the bedroom with second piece of tree that has suddenly given way.
10. Hurriedly unwedge remainder of sad, pitiful tree and stash in corner of the bedroom.
11. Return to living room to find toddler happily engrossed in an episode of Blue's Clues.
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