With her usual impeccable timing, Hubs' ex called at the height of the holiday season to enlist Hubs' financial aid in buying my stepson a car. And to help pay for insurance. For a TEENAGE BOY. Gah!
After my head popped off and exploded into itty bits, I ticked off a list of reasons to Hubs that I'm not inclined to pitch in at this stage.
A.) Stepson turned 16 in June. Enough said.
B.) Stepson chose not to work this summer. He partied. And partied. And partied. There also were some serious Stepson-related issues this summer that I have promised not to disclose on this here blog, but let's just say there's a lack of trust (on my part, if not his *ahem* naive parents) that he is ready for a car. He keeps saying he'll get a job and contribute to any future vehicles/insurance, but thus far there's been no indication this will happen. I say if he wants his own car at age 16, he can damn well get a part-time or weekend job and contribute.
C.) We just scrape by financially. Our "savings?" A joke. We just paid off one of our cars this summer. We're in no position to help buy a car or *shudder* contribute to a teenage boy's insurance. We. Just. Don't. Have. The. Money.
D.) I'm annoyed that Hubs is carrying on about how a teenage boys needs a car...blah, blah, blah. Again, given what went on this summer, I wouldn't have even let him get his license.
E.) We. Don't. Have. The. Money.
So, before I plunge too deeply into my role as evil Stepmother who deprives children of their grownup toys, what are your thoughts, please?
Are we "obligated" to do this, as the ex implies?
I don't come from a world where kids were entitled to or guaranteed a car when they turned 16. So I can't get my head around this one.
I drove my dad's Dodge Omni during my senior year in high school. When I graduated, he let me take it to college. I didn't get my first car until a year before I graduated -- from college. When I did, I drove it for 10 years. Also, I started working when I turned 16. And my opinion is that if he's "old enough" to have his own car, he's old enough to get a job, even if it's only a weekend one.
My upbringing and personal feelings aside, however, there's no freaking way we could afford it.
27 comments:
Nope. If he wants the car he can get a part time job to pay for gas and insurance. Cars are not compulsory. Period.
This whole sense of entitlement thing really ticks me off. I wonder when some parents stopped forgetting the difference between what their children need and what they want. A 16 year old boy does not NEED a car. Sheesh. If he wants one, he would learn far more by saving up and buying it himself, rather than have you guys pay for it (especially if you can't afford it). I wish you luck in swaying hubs over to your side on this one.
andi
Oh, congratulations on being the fall guy here.
Kids should not automatically be given a car - sure, maybe a help in getting started, but they should show what you are helping, know what I mean?
And hey, if the money ain't there it ain't there...
Jeanie in Paradise
I agree with you - kids should have to earn their first car and if they are really good, responsible kids, you could pay for the insurance. But that's where I draw the line because I, like you, drove my parent's junker in high school only with permission on a "use by use" basis and then did not get my first car until I was a WORKING sophomore in college, which I paid for myself and then was given a "paid off" note for when I graduated as part of my gift.
It sucks that you're in this position.
Cathy...the whole point is moot, since you cannot afford it. That's the bottom line. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty about this, but it seems you are.
Assuming you *did* have the funds, he should definitely have a job first, plus make a commitment as to exactly how much he can contribute on a monthly (or summer-monthly...) basis. How else is he going to learn about the responsibility that comes with owning something of that magnitude?
A car isn't just a large toy.
However -- you can't afford it, and that's that. Work on getting the hubster to realize that.
Good luck! Heidi
Ok, coming at it from the side of the mom who has the kids & needs money from the ex..... my first reaction is that he should help out. However he/you can. It's his son, too & it is the purchase of a car... (REmember, I'm coming at this w/a bit o' baggage...)
BUT - if he is irresponsible, not able to contribute to the cost or upkeep, and cannot demonstrate that he will be able to... then No. He should not contribute. The son should first demonstrate that he's worthy of the sacrifice that everybody will be making on his part....
My parents made me have a job first. I was lucky because we lived within walking distance (like 5 blocks) of a Frisch's restaurant. I pretty much bummed rides from co-wokers and friends until I had saved up $500 to help with the down payment. After I got the car - one awesome powder blue Ford Escort hatch back - I had to make the car payments ($188) and my Dad paid the insurance - while I was still in school.
Just putting this out there. If something awful happens ... God forbid ... while the stepson is driving his proposed car around, what will happen? Will he get another car? Will you pay for his higher priced insurance then? And will his parents have to live with the guilt of letting their child drive a car before he's shown himself to be responsible? To me, a lot of this comes down to safety and whether everyone's willing to deal with the ramifications of their decision. In the end, if they love their son enough to buy him a car, they love him enough to tell him no when it's for his own good.
I was 21 before I had a car, and I only got the hand-me-down Tempo because I had a job that required me to drive kids to and from lessons, school etc.
I say he needs to work for a full year and save enough money to pay for either the car or the insurance by himself, if not only to prove that he can earn trust.
And then you'll CONSIDER MAYBE making a contribution.
Gah. That woman sounds like a real pain in the ass.
I'm just going to say this straight out (time) so hope it comes across okay:
1. No, kids aren't entitled to cars, and parents aren't obligated to get them cars.
2. I sat through defensive driving class, me and a couple of grownups and 40 16-17 year old boys. They? Convinced me the driving age should be raised to 18, at least.
3. There are SO MANY expenses associated with a car. Maintenance, repairs, damage, insurance, gas, etc. Who will handle this? What happens if he becomes reliant on the car, for example for a job, and it breaks down? What happens if he runs short of money for insurance or gas? Who will cover this?
4. I don't think kids ought to get things handed to them on a silver platter. I don't think they appreciate them or understand the responsibility. When I was 20 I worked my rear end off one summer to earn my half of the cash cost of a used car. It was my 100% responsibility from that point forward. I LOVED that car. It was MINE. I felt pride I'd bought it, felt pride I'd earned it, felt pride that I took care of it.
You can't buy that.
5. If parents do help out a teen with a car? It should comes as an earned privilege, not Just because He's 16.
Teens don't NEED cars. They might want them, it might make schlepping easier on the parents, but they don't NEED it.
We need oxygen.
Cars are a want for teens.
And I don't think many of them have the maturity or responsibility to handle a car.
JMHO
Julie
Using My Words
I didn't have a car until I was a senior in high school, working a part-time job and paying my insurance bills and car note.
Cars are not an inalienable right.
I worked for my first car and used my income tax money to buy my first car. I do not think you are obligated - are are any of us with our own kids - these kids don't "need" these cars - it's a priviledge. If he's not going to work - then he doesn't necessarily need a car, especially at 16. He could work in the summer. Good luck with your decision - Kellan
Ahem. We pay $3600 a year for my 19yo's 2000 Acura Integra GSR insurance. It is INSANE! Now my son has a full time job that he has kept for over 6 weeks!(Praise the Lord!)but until 6 weeks ago he was doing nuttin. He quit hs last year and had 2 one week jobs. It was all friends all night and sleep all day.
If you somehow get talked into this I recommend getting the traking software offered through Safeco and I'm sure other insurance companies are aware. It tells speeds, braking if too fast, turn speeds, where they go, stop and go etc. More teenage boys die from the inability to concentrate on driving than any other way.
The voice of doom is done. ;)
Obligated? Hell no. I'm of the opinion that we are only obligated to give our children food, shelter...anything else is earned. With that said, I did get a car at 16. I had a job, I made excellent grades, I followed my parent's rules (most of them anyway.) When my kids are old enough, we'll decide if they are lucky enough and responsible enough to get a car and help with the expense.
Seriously. Obligated?!?!
Jennifer, Le Binky Bitch
From one stepmom to another - Not on your life! My 17 year old stepson spent the summer on his computer playing games and now thinks that we should help pay for car insurance and a car for him. Now he doesn't even have his license yet ... because he hasn't earned his half of the money to take driver training (It's $275 in Oregon).
Is it a dad thing that boys *must* have a car or a divorced-dad thing?
I got a car at 18 because I paid for it. I saved up for 2 years for it and I earned it. I am a little tired of the teenagers walking around our house with their hand out because their mom won't (or can't) pay for something.
Stand your ground! It looks like you have a lot of support here!
I think that if he decided that this was something he really wanted and went out and got a job and saved and bought the car himself (or at least helped pay for it) that it would be a different story. There is a huge difference between having something handed to you and having to work for what you want. Add a sense of entitlement to the invincibility that most teenagers already feel and then stick a car in the mix? Not such a great plan. I'm with you, and even if you had the money I advise against buying him a car.
The poor boy should be able to drive and have any car he wants!
jeesh!
He just has to BUY IT HIMSELF.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Mine has a used car with the condition he pitches in $100.00 towards his insurance every month.
Accident? He pays the deductible. [and he pays for his own gas] Once he graduates high school he becomes 100% responsible for his insurance premiums.
Don't let the son OR the mom guilt you all into anything. Guilt him into getting a job!
Your hubs sounds a lot like mine. He feels obligated to "do all I can" for his sons because they don't have the benefit of living with him.
I feel the same as you (but my steps are 18 and 20 and HALLELUJAH for that). But we still get "those calls" from time to time. I say, suck it up, just a little, and offer to pitch in an amount you can afford toward the car, but draw the line at paying for insurance. He can get a job to cover that himself.
This way, hubs gets to help out and avoid feeling any resentment for being denied the right to do so. And you don't come off as being an evil witch.
Feel free to ask Queeny any other questions at askqueeny.blogspot.com (shameless plug, I know)
Whoa, Nellie! Having a car is not a right, it's a privilege, and by golly a kid needs to earn it! We've got my 17 year old stepson here, and we haven't even let him get his driver's license because he doesn't have a sense of responsibility. I'm of the opinion that you are NOT obligated, but that's just me, and I'm an evil stepmother, too :-)
This Eclectic Life
I do not like the new Blogger feature that makes a Word Press blogger have to type all this code! It's inhospitable.
No, no, no, no, no!
My 15yr old doesn't yet want a car, but he knows when the time comes it's all on him baby!
We plan to get a second car with our tax return (a beater) that he can drive around in once he gets his license (awhile down the road). It'll be OUR car though and he'll only have the priviledge of driving it if we've not already called it.
As far as buying him a car of his own? I'll do that as soon as I can wear a size 5 again. Let's just say that ain't happening ANYTIME soon!
I'm not a believer in high school kids driving. I told my kids that they could only get their license at 16 if they paid for driver's training and could pay their own insurance. Daughter #1 waited til she was 18, a friend gave her an old beater that she maintained, and I paid her insurance until after she graduated college. (Mostly because I still got a little bit of child support for her and her financial aid covered her other expenses.) Daughter #2 can't drive due to medical issues, Daughter #3 thinks the city bus system is just fine.
Imho, stepson needs to get a job, save up money for a car (with maybe some help from parents) and pay for his own insurance.
I have three children 15, 17 and 23. I feel under no obligation to provide a vehicle for any of them. I won't even pay for my 17 year olds learners license. If she can't be bothered to pay the $80 for the license, she's not ready to have the responsibility to drive.
My 23 year old just asked me to cosign a loan for him so he could buy a nicer car. I laughed and told him to buy a cheaper car that he can afford on his own.
I bought my own car at 17 and I expect my children to do the same.
I agree with all your points!
If he really wanted a car, he would have been ALREADY working for one, not contemplating getting a job AFTER he gets one.
Trust is earned and if he hasn't earned it, he doesn't "get" it on the bases that he "might" get a job to help out.
NOPE you are not evil stepmother and if you are then I am evil mother.
Oh My Gosh - I can't believe how much this sounds exactly like my situation, and how much you sound exactly like me! I mean even the step-sons sound exactly the same!!! Everything is the same: kid won't work, we don't have the money, kid caused us to have SERIOUS trust issues... etc, etc. As far as advice, I can't give any because I am in the same exact situation here!
Yeah. 16 year old does not need his own car. And can pay for insurance IF he's idle enough to party the summer away. I agree with you here, 100%.
If he doesn't have to work to buy it for himself, he will not appreciate it. Don't do it!
I got my first car when I was 16, but I had to get a job and pay for it. Which I thought really sucked, but hey, I wanted a car. My parents paid my insurance. I got a blue Mustang hatchback POS, but it was what I could afford.
If he can pay for the car, good for him. But if he can't, I don't feel like you are obligated. Of course he wants a car. Kids want a lot of things. But they don't get them all, even when they are cheap things!
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