Update to previous post:
My stepson will face a felony charge if the police/prosecutor decide to pursue this. And despite our explanations as to why this would be very bad, T. doesn't seem to be sufficiently concerned.
I am at a loss.
He's spending the weekend at our house. Initial plans were that he would stay the week and his mom (who's retired) would take him from our house to school and back again each day. (He goes to school in another district, 30 minutes away from us.) I thought it was a brilliant plan. Here at our house, we have one television, one computer and one phone, which is not a cordless. (Oh, and it's located in our bedroom, so there's no privacy for a teen who's trying to sneak a call to his girlfriend because he's been grounded from his cell phone.) And of course, there's a very lively toddler and chatty preschooler, who don't understand a teenager's love of sleeping in on weekend mornings, particularly after a late night at the police station.
Already, T. has been subjected to endless Wiggles dancing and episodes of Little Bear. Here at Chez Arkie Mama we don't scare 'em straight -- we Noggin 'em back onto the path of righteousness.
Now, however, his mom says she wants to take him home tomorrow.
Honestly, I'm not optimistic about the next few months. For one, there's no telling what will result from this incident. Even if he emerges unscathed (legally), he doesn't appear to have learned anything from it.
So.
How do you get a 16-year-old to understand the seriousness of the trouble he's in? And how do you prevent him from getting into more when the parents live in two different households 30 minutes apart and have differing ideas as to how this latest mess should be addressed?
I, of course, am a snooping, meddling stepmother (god bless mysp*ce and the arrogance of teenagers who don't realize that we "stupid parents" actually know how to find them on it) who has to walk a fine line so as not to anger or undercut the bioparents.
It's frustrating. It's depressing. Because even if he gets out of this one, he lives in a small town and will get busted again, probably quite soon given what happened last night.
My stepson is such a bright kid with so much potential.
There's got to be a way to pull him (even if he's kicking and screaming) through this. I hope.
18 comments:
Cathy, how tough and complicated (and you even threw in some Noggin humor, kudos babe). You have a unique vantage point and are affected by this so ought to be included...and yet, it sounds like bioparents are closing ranks a bit. I'm sorry hon.
Are you sure he doesn't get it? Or is it a too cool cover up for his fear? Teenage boys have a pretty decent facade if I recollect aright.
Then again, there were the boys who really, really didn't get it.
Asking why mom wants him home sounds stupid so let me try this: what will mom do once he gets home? Is home what SHE wants or what she thinks is best for him?
(The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.)
I think individual and family counseling might be a good first step.
Perhaps that can help determine why he is choosing illegal and self-destructive things to do and find ways that are better outlets for whatever is eating him inside.
That's all I've got. Expert on teens I am not.
Wait I have one more thing: good luck babe.
Julie
Using My Words
I don't have nearly as much good advice as Julie, but I just wanted to agree with her point about your perspective and that a different perspective is a great reason to be a part of deciding what happens next. Good luck, I know you'll let us know what happens.
I don't have any answers, but did want to acknowledge how hard it sounds and to say that I'm sorry you are having to go through it.
xo,
J
Cathy, I'm so sorry. I hope they drop the charges, but then again, you almost wonder if that will make him think he can continue down this path?
Is his mother taking this as seriously as you are? A united front is so important, especially now.
I have no answers...but I know that he is ahead of the game by having people around who clearly care about him. Good luck to all of you, this is bound to be hard on everyone.
Hugs, Heidi
All I can offer right now is compassion in the fact that as a step-mother to two teenagers I know how you feel. My thoughts/feelings on matters of importance are not generally taken into account. While that's the bioparents' choice, of course, sometimes a cool, calm perspective from another adult who loves the kid too and wants what's best for him would be helpful. Maybe there's a way for you and Hubs and T's mom to sit down and talk? I agree with a previous poster that a united front is best at this point. And I love that you want to help T before it's too late.
Also, no matter what happens, if they listen to you or not, I appreciate that the decisions they make and those that T make affect your life and those of your kids too. It's so tough all the way around. I'm thinking of you.
Praying for your family! this is definately a tough situation for you because, as is quite often the case, you have little say as a stepparent but the results of T's behavior and biomom's decisions will dramitically affect you and your family. I haven't personally experienced this. However, one of my best friends went through this with her stepson (now 20's) and I know the situation escalated into very serious situation because the mom kept sweeping everything under the rug. stepson was not held accountable and the mom had a brother who was a police officer and for awhile he was getting charges dropped. He later ended up in the hospital after drug overdose and had also caused a 4 car accident with a DUI. My advice would be for hubby to intervene immediately. what can you do? Lovingly support Hubs through it. Hang in there. It must be teribly upsetting.... especially at the holidays.
I agree that this boy probably is more aware than you think he is. He probably has several things working against him. First, he is a teenager in a very different world than just one generation ago. Second, from his perspective, he is from a broken home. Things not expressed when they are happening always comes out at another place and another time. He may be acting on displaced anger, hurt, and guilt. I agree some family theraphy between him and his bioparents may be helpful. You can not speak for the mother, and definately do not apeak against her. The mother has her own challenges and you most likely don't have all the facts cocerning her perspective. At the end of the day, your stepson knows who his parents are and he is part of them. Perhpas a local church may have a strong youth program for teens. Sometimes hearing advise form others in your own peer group is the most helpful of all. I will be praying for all of you.
have you guys considered job corps? It can be in lieu of jail time and a lot of times can even be a plea bargain out of charges....
http://jobcorps.dol.gov/about.htm
MySpace is a gold mine of information you wish you didn't know. I'm not sure what your stepson has done but getting through to a 16 yo male is hard. BPB just had to go through some of the crap he created. Once they are 18, they are on their own, legally speaking. It's scary. Thankfully, my 19yo seems to be calming down. I'll pray for ya girl!
Sixteen year old boys are not the brightest creatures and apparently completely incapable of understanding future consequences. My son was the same. He started getting into drugs a little bit in high school, then got kicked out of high school, then got kicked out of our home, then ended up living with a drug dealer.
He got his life together for awhile then had a bad accident at work two years ago. Instead of doing physio and workmen's comp. he chose to sell drugs. He ended up in prison for six months and is now on parole.
He is 23 now and doing well, staying out of trouble but I still don't get him. He's a smart, good looking guy with lots of potential but likes to shoot himself in the foot.
Good luck with your stepson but understand that he may end up doing whatever he pleases, in spite of your best efforts.
Aw, man. Hugs.
Being a step-parent has to be so difficult to begin with...
I would not sugar coat anything with him, he really has the normal 16 year old attitude of invincablity (is that a word). I would let the cards lay where they will and not jump in if they want to press charges.
He has to learn one way or another and I am all for the tough love. I hope I can do the same with my own kids if/when (hopefully never) get in this kind of trouble.
For every action there are consequences.
*hugs* I am sure this isn't easy and it is easy to offer advise because it isn't my stepson...or my kid. So you have to do what you and your husband are comfortable with...hang in there.
I say Noggin him to death!
But seriously, I am sorry that you guys are dealing with this. Just be firm and stick by his Dad's side, that's where he needs you to be right now. And there's nothing wrong with a little cyber-snooping either to keep tabs on him!
Oh man, what a dilemma...
Meddling/protecting, whatever you call it, I know it can't be fun.I wish I could say or do more.
Thinking of you.
I'm sorry to hear about the problems you're having with your stepson! I hope everything turns out to be alright!
Good luck with all of that!
Make him watch Max and Ruby until he sees the light! That'll straighten out anybody, even a sixteen year old.
As far as your sneakiness, I would be the same way. My mother tried to do the same, but always left a trail a mile wide. Cover your tracks and don't let on to where the info comes from! Seriously though, I hope all turns out ok for him.
From one step-parent to another, I can truly sympathize with what you are going through... truly! I'm considering sending you an e-mail with some of my horror step-stories to let you know that you are not alone.
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