Pee-worthy

My husband is a deer-hunting redneck sort of guy.

He also has two older kids from a previous marriage.

And these two bits of information are related ... how?

Well ---

Hubs considers himself an expert on certain parenting matters. Because, you know, he's done this before. (italics are his, not mine)

Which is why our toddler son now thinks it's appropriate to pee on trees.

Let me back up:

Countless times, countless, I tell you, Hubs has shared with enraptured audiences the story of how he potty-trained Stepson. (After, that is, he tells the one about how he once washed down Stepson at a car wash when the poor child pooped during a road trip.)

Anyway, the potty training. Let's allow Hubs to use his words:

"I showed him how to pee on a tree in the backyard when I was trying to get him interested in going potty. And it worked. When he had to go, he'd say, 'I need to pee on a tree.' Then he'd go in the backyard and pee on a tree."

And life was good and diaper-free, until the day Stepson decided he needed to pee at a local park. "Next thing I know, he's dropped his pants and is peeing on a tree," Hubs says.

Proudly.

He concludes: "It was a hard habit to break."

So you can imagine my chagrin a few nights ago, when Hubs led my little E-man to a tree in our backyard and urged him to drop his Handy Manny pull-em-up and whip out the pee stick.

"You try to encourage them to be aware of their functions," my spouse explains. "Peeing on a tree is a novel idea. And besides, wherever you go, there's always a tree."

But what, I asked, if people are present? You know, like non-family members. People who might not understand Hubs' peculiar backwoods brand of child rearin'?

"Well, then you have to hope it's a big tree," Hubs says, unperturbed. "Then he can hide behind it while he's going."

I've heard men obtain special joy from taking their biz outside. Is this true?

Hubs contends: "All guys want to do it. We just refrain from it. I think it's because there's no target. We can just spray wherever."

This, dear readers, is what I'm up against. It's why we will soon be blacklisted from social affairs, because, really, who wants their cocktail-sipping guests subjected to the sight of a wee tot washing down the oak tree in their backyard.

And now my daughter wants to pee on trees. My 4-year-old, already-potty-trained daughter.

In fact, she and her brother keep fighting over one particular tree in our backyard because apparently, it's the only one that's pee-worthy.

I should make it clear here that, thus far, neither has actually peed. Daughter has yet to drop her drawers, perhaps because she senses the logistical difficulties. But their interest -- clearly, it has been piqued or they wouldn't be in the backyard selecting trees.

It's only a matter of time... And if, what if?

How to explain this bizarre behavior at the next birthday party, when both my kids suddenly dart to the nearest tree, bickering over who gets which spot as they drop their pants. With my luck, one of them will pick the spot right under the damn pinata.

Or, worse -- *shudder* -- one of them will need to go No. 2.